Movie Mayhem with God: Everest & The Martian

I’ve picked two recent movies seemingly different to each other in terms of their outcome. In the movie Everest based on the ill-fated 11 May 1996 hiking expedition, eight hikers perished, amongst them seasoned expedition leaders Rob Hall (Adventure Consultants) and Scott Fischer (Mountain Madness); meanwhile in the movie The Martian, astronaut Mark Watney manages to survive on Mars for seven months through perseverance and ingenuity, before finally being rescued.

At first glance these two movies seems polar opposites in relation to the theme of human survival. I recall a friend who had watched both, remarking to me how she enjoyed The Martian considerably more, as the movie Everest sort of left her feeling “heavy”. In a weird sense, having watched both movies in a short span of a mere few days between each other, I felt a consistent uniform theme binding both shows together, as if they were the flip side of each other.

Mid-way in the movie Everest, before the joint expedition team made their doomed hike up the summit, a local guide Anatoli Boukreev had already ominously predicted, “There is competition between every person on this mountain. The last word always belongs to the mountain.” This state of how finite we human beings are relative to something so huge, magnificent and menacing, Mount Everest as in the case of the first movie, is precisely the same rationale which makes the second movie’s protagonist’s eventual rescue so joyful. The fact that Mark Watney is able to subsist on a planet which is scientifically unfavourable to human survival for as long as he did, in time for this team mates to come back in time to rescue him. Of course there was the selflessness of his team mates, willing to delay their return to their families, even to the point of putting their own survival. Note that this element too mirrors the first movie, where protagonist Rob Hall’s act of sacrifice to accompany Doug Hansen on the ascent up South Summit again, despite having already started on his own descent down, was the very critical move which delayed his plans, resulting in him getting stranded on South Summit, ending in tragedy.

This omniscient, omnipotent presence in both movies, is indeed very akin to God Himself, which is what the underlying uniform theme. Yes, there were good selfless acts by protagonists in both movies, but ultimately it is up to this mightier being who decides the final outcome. And perhaps our own minute act of selflessness, may actually be a manifest of omniscience and omnipotence, in the very image of the Almighty One, so the outcome for God’s plans for us may not be as linear or static as we think it is.

I’ll end off with the quote from Mark Watney towards the end of the second movie, which happens to be a great contrast to the earlier quote from the movie Everest. “Every human being has a basic instinct, to help each other out. If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people coordinate a search. If an earthquake levels the city, people all over the world send emergency supplies. This instinct is found in every culture without exception.” Instead of looking at them as polar opposites, I would choose to look at them as elements which complete each other into a whole.

“There is competition between every person on this mountain. The last word always belongs to the mountain.”

Everest, Anatoli Boukreev

“Every human being has a basic instinct, to help each other out. If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people coordinate a search. If an earthquake levels the city, people all over the world send emergency supplies. This instinct is found in every culture without exception.”

The Martian, Mark Watney

Movie Mayhem with God: Gone Girl

This article is actually long overdue. I had been long planning to write a piece after watching Gone Girl last year, but somehow other stuff came in and took precedence. Even then, I look upon it as being appropriate, as between this passage of a year, I have watched other shows, which helped greatly in formulating this piece.

Gone Girl is quite a terrifying show, not so much in the actual deed done by the protagonist Amy, but more of the depth of her psyche that sends chills down your spine, which is recognisable within each of us. As petrifying her deeds are, it is merely that she has taken that one decisive step to plot out and implement those thoughts that had been lurking within her. From her character, we actually see how close we are, just a step away from becoming that “Amazing Amy” of a monster.

Gone Girl is a love story and horror story combined. Actually the male protagonist Nick Dunne is not much better than his wife Amy, as when the plot unravels we know of his infidelity behind Amy’s back. However what redeems him, is that when approaching the end of the movie, he finally masters the meaning of love, through finally deciding to stay with Amy for the sake of his unborn child. At that moment, he discards all selfishness and laziness when he could easily just leave, to ensure that the poor child grows up in an environment with at least one proper parent to care for him or her. This is unlike Amy who by then has been so consumed with vengeance, she is oblivious to the fact that the child she is carrying is a life, and she only sees it as a tool for revenge. The scene where Nick Dunne pleads for his sister Margo’s psychological and emotional support, for his decision in staying on with Amy for the sake of the unborn child, was one which brought tears to my eyes and deeply touched me in a warped way.

So ironically I am not worried at all for Nick Dunne as the story closes, because with the love he has for his unborn child to support him through, and I am sure he will be ok. However as horrified as I am of Amy, the defining emotion I have towards her character is of sadness. She has held herself forever captive to her own psychological and emotional viciousness, and that is actually the worst punishment imaginable. And this in turn leads to the next topic I’ll touch on, the nature of romantic love relationships. There is the age old debate, of the more versus less; pro-ative versus reactive; male versus female, which can go till no end, and those are not what I’ll like to look into at least for today. There’s been constant protests by women of when they reject suitors and then get chided by fellow friends for being picky, about how there’s no chemistry/feeling, while the friends of the other camo would try to persuade about learning to appreciate and then love the potential suitors’ qualities.

Actually both sides have their validity in argument, though timing and context are the critical points of essence. An increasingly common reason quoted for the dissolution of marriages, is the dissipation of the romantic gush of emotions between the two parties. For the luckier ones, it merely becomes bland and the two parties part on fairly agreeable terms of sorts.  For the extremist ones, anger and resentment breed Gone Girl style, and the aftermath is one of emotional and psychological bloodshed. This has prompted me to wonder whether there is a concept of the maturity of romantic love relationships.

Yes, during the relationship’s infancy stages, feelings and emotions are critical, as these are factors which attract you to the other party in the first place. Even the realists who proudly profess that they make relationship decisions solely based on pragmatism actually have emotions at play, just that it is at a subconscious level and intricately related to material factors in a direct way (e.g. the financial prowess of the other party make actually be an indicator of his/her dependability?). Even then this begs the more critical question. What happens when those pleasant positive emotions wane in the long future? Classic literature is abound with plentiful examples of protagonists who have gone on quests to reclaim that long lost gush of emotions from other lovers (e.g. Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary). The massive harems that male leaders have in the course of history are also prime examples attesting to this (King Henry VIII of the Tudor line anyone?).  And sadly the many other real life cases of the very person in opposite seat in the café where we may not even notice.

Personally, I am indeed biased in the sense that I always encourage couples to do their utmost to try to sustain and work things out. However, I am aware and fully acknowledge the presence of human limitations in these “utmost” efforts.  Thus, ultimately it boils down not so much to a “letting go versus clinging on” debate, but more of a decision for what is in the best interests of both parties, while knowing each other’s ability to bear the consequences of whatever decision is eventually made. As Jesus Christ already stated in his second direct commandment, this is what it means to love the other party as yourself, applicable in the romantic context.

P.S. For those who are curious to the other popular culture cases which inspired me to reflect and write this piece, I’ll list them down, though they are not quoted or elaborated above.

On Call 36 hours - Particularly the couple of 张一健 and 范子妤, though the developments of Benjamin and 美雪; Lokman and 芊儿; 洋葱and 车车, Moon and David, have all prompted me to do pondering at some stages

Swingtown – Susan and Bruce; Janet and Roger; Trina and Tom, and surprisingly even the romance of Susan’s two children

Ode to my first superhero

I had not been actively thinking of grandmother recently. I mean she is always there subconsciously, just that I did not proactively seek to think about her. I took it as a sign of strength, that I am no longer pining after her, craving for her to be around as a beacon of strength, a source of wisdom, et al. And I guess I am partially right in this sense.

So when my father actually told me to visit her urn at the columbarium to do some reflecting since I had to run an errand nearby that area, I definitely did not take it positively. In fact I was quite offended, thinking to myself, all this talk you and mum have non-stop about hoping me to become independent and stand my own two feet, and now all of a sudden there is this huge about-turn, and I’ve become some fickle ingrate?! I’m unsure about exactly where and how I’ve matured over the years, but one definite thing is that night I indeed had the wisdom to hold my tongue from lashing out anything, while still having the courage to visibly display my displeasure, so a potential family disaster was avoided.

Fast forward through the past 10 days. It has been seemingly uneventful though yet peppered with undercurrents abound, be it of my own emotions and thoughts, or those triggered by events and conversations with others around me. Frankly I was not feeling good at all, and in fact I noticed the risk of it worsening and did not know how to combat it. I had even started questioning some very basic stuff that I had believed in. Then today I stumbled upon “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten, and my spirits kind of lifted. It reminded me of what really mattered to me in life. It was not so much of what happens eventually in life, but more of be it whatever happens eventually, did I still hold onto what I had believed right in the beginning.

And this is the most basic superhero lesson I had learnt from my grandmother. She was never perfect, and no saint. She was as obnoxious, dictatorial, rude, and downright selfish as you could get. However for the important beautiful stuff she believed, she clung on to it till her very last breath. That what she had been doing was for the good of everyone. Not that there was no errors, no misjudgement, no biasedness, no prejudice.  However she never doubted her intention. It was with this belief that she entrusted my family and me to the Lord before she departed.

My father has recently highly recommend the book “Anti-fragility” by famous sociologist Nassim Taleb. Despite not havingstarted on it yet, I may already have some slight inkling of its theme. Being strong does not equate being hard. Being hard is being stubborn, being unwilling to grow and better yourself. And my grandmother already had set a great example for me at bettering herself even till the very last moment of her life. She admitted to God that though she had the best intentions, she was not perfect and needed to leave the rest to the Perfect One instead.

I miss her. Every single moment of my life. However I no longer need or even want her back. I want her to enjoy herself wherever she is now. And I have faith I will join her somehow eventually. Meanwhile I have a lot of important and beautiful stuff to do. People have observed that I have this tendency to want to win, and they are not wrong. However, the opponent has changed over the years. The adversaries had been others previously, now my current foe is myself, my flaws that I need to continually refine, my doubts which conspire to deflect me off my original path.

Along the way, I will blunder, I will misjudge, I will be unfair, I will still cry, I will still blow my top. However I will also learn to love and respect others, I will learn to identify opportunities and moments, I will learn how to verify and apply the appropriate method to use depending on what situations arises for whatever areas of my life. I will grow and at the end of the journey I will still believe. I’ll end off adjusting some parts of the song, while also quoting a relevant bible verse.

This is my fight song, do well my life song, don’t even need to prove I’m alright song. My power is already on, I am strong. I don’t really care if nobody else believes, because I have still got a lot of fight left in me.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

2 Timothy 4:7-8 (NIV)

Mighty Morphing Happy Ending

Today’s piece is a kind of assorted rambling, no grand theme behind it per se. If I were to really classify it, it’d be an apology to a friend of mine. I’d known that friend very early on in my university years, though we were more of the “hi, how are you doing” polite talk kind then. In fact it was not till some random chance during 2011 when both she and I were very bored and had a random chat on current affairs (the Singapore General Elections and Presidential Elections had been looming then) through Facebook. And from there on it was as if some spark ignited of sorts and we were chatting with each other fast and furious. It is indeed timely that with the Singapore elections coming again, that I scrutinise what has happened over these years.

Maybe it was because both of us were at a similar stage in life for many common areas, thus we were able to relate to each other’s frustration easily. I myself then was struggling to cope with how my close childhood friends had moved on rapidly in life, and I felt very dejected and left behind. Also there was the pride issue. Which leads me to the next thing that’s occurred to me recently.

I am proudly now a Once Upon a Time drama fan. Think anyone who has been following this would have seen how apparent it is. And one very common theme that comes up continuously in the show would be the concept of “happy ending”. There would be discussion about who deserves it (the age old good versus evil debate, through examining the “heroes” and “villains” which is not a static identity in the show, reflecting the complexity of human beings), and what a "happy ending" is it exactly (e.g. squandering or contaminating one’s happy ending out of greed or fear versus making the most out of a seemingly terrible situation by changing one’s viewpoint and focusing on the “big joys” instead). I won’t go into exact details, but yes this show has influenced me greatly in these recent months, to do reflecting on my past 5-6 years.

That friend and I had bonded very much till a point in time when my relationship towards her took a drastic U-turn. I could not figure it out then. Everything she said and brought up irked me. I practically could not bear the thought of seeing or listening to her, let alone even reply her messages. However I continued to put up my pretense, till a point in time between 2014 and 2015, and I severed all contact with her as a New Year’s resolution.

Now that almost half of 2015 is over, I finally have the courage to face my own villain and admit the stuff for myself at least. I was jealous and prideful, that it seemed as if she was approaching her “happy ending” soon, whereas I was still wandering out there lost in the woods. Of course this is a highly simplified summary of things that had gone between us, and I trust that she has done her own reflecting on her thoughts and emotions with regard to our dynamics and past. However, I’ll just focus solely on "what I had done and what I had failed to do", as stated during Catholic mass which I attend (yes, in fact she was the very one who convinced me to eventually convert over to the Catholic faith, which I am eternally grateful). I simply could not bear my own hypocrisy anymore, and neither could I bear the thought of continuously witnessing her reaching her happy ending soon.

I remember during one of our coffee chats around in the Bishan café areas, she had actually said “I believe God XXX us for a reason.” (I’ll keep the XXX confidential out of respect to her and myself). When I had heard hear say that then, I was actually hopping mad furious. The thought running through my mind then was, fine she had had her happy ending figured out and was progressing steadily towards it so be it, but how dare she play prophet, and define my happy ending too!  Now as I re-examine my emotions then, yes it is reasonable to appeal to others not to define our lives. However it was mostly pride and jealousy that was fueling the intense fury.

With my recent dabbling in OUAT related activities (role-playing on Facebook with fellow fans), it has led me to hold a mirror up to myself and have a good look at my past, present and future, be it of situations, experience, emotions, etc. As one older wise fellow rp-er mentioned in one of our OOC chats (OOC meaning “out of character”, like a backstage area of sorts where we are back to our real life selves and befriend and get to know each other), what we think we want in life constantly morphs. She had never envisioned what brought her happiness now, as what she had desired back when she was much younger.

In Season 1's very beginning, the Evil Queen (Regina) in the show had threatened Snow White and her husband (the Charmings family) that she’d destroy their happiness if it was the last thing that she does in her life. As of where the show last concluded in Season 4, Regina and the Charmings family have eventually bonded into a semi-family cum friends kind of support network, though still full of sarcastic jibes and stuff. In fact during one very trying catastrophe where Regina faces a very tough choice whether to revert to her old ways (which she doesn’t), she calmly and proudly declares that for too long she had been standing in the way of her own happiness, and her happy ending was to “feel at home with the world”, with the part of her life under major crisis being merely a factor of that happy ending and not the entire thing.

I still do not intend to look up that friend, coward as I am, not knowing whether I have the capacity to handle the pride and jealousy demons again, though I apologise for what I had done and what I have failed to do, wishing her all the best in her journey towards her happy ending, that part of my ending remaining as it is for now. However, I’d look at some components of my “happy ending”. In the past, watching movies, concerts and theater performances unaccompanied would have seemed incomprehensible to me. Now doing this occurs without much thought, and in fact I have to mentally check that some of my friends may also be interested in those performances, alert them to it, instead of just booking ahead without verifying. I dreaded running when I was in primary school and the annual 2.4km run for the Physical Fitness Test was sheer agony. Now I have at least 4 runs, lengths varying between 5 to 10km, lined up for the rest of 2015. I shunned spicy food when I was young, but curry chicken is a staple order of mine whenever I pack my dinner at the mixed vegetable stalls now. I have loved reading since young and still do. However when in my younger days I had looked upon classics like Macbeth, Jane Eyre and Dream of Red Mansions as pieces of dreary writing, now I’ve come to appreciate the complex human themes behind them. Reading the Bible and Greek and Norse legends was no different to me during childhood. Now the Bible is The Word of God.

Since this “happy ending” is so prone to change and continuously transforming, it has led me to the cliché notion about how it is the journey and not the destination that matters, that the “happy ending” is actually just about being given the opportunity to come to this world and journey through it. I really do not know. I’m still lost in the woods though I am starting to appreciate some scenery now. Amen!

Inside Out: Fear

Actually fear is not a sin. In fact we Christians have been called to fear our God many a times. However, there is a divide in fear, one zone being that of healthiness, the other into the realm of unhealthiness and there is where sin lurks to pounce on us. I’ll talk about healthy fear first.

In the zone of healthy fear, our trembling is actually steeped in humility, reverence and awe, of this bigger greater being out there, acknowledging that while we may have been endowed with freewill by Him, we must never ever forget how small we are in the big picture. We are also grounded in an unwavering steadfast faith and trust in Him, that He and us are aligned no matter what, despite our freewill. Then, what happens in the realm of unhealthy fear? In the realm of unhealthy fear, doubts creep in, like rats gnawing away at that faith and trust. When our faith and trust teeters on the end of vulnerability and fragility, we panic for whatever control that we can over others and perhaps more importantly ourselves, and then sin starts its attack on us.

Ok, please do not groan. Yes, it is OUAT example time again. The character that I’ve chosen to support my argument this time round, is Rumplestiltskin aka Mr Gold. I am personally highly sympathetic towards this character’s plight, as I find all the motivations behind whatever decisions he makes very logical and understandable, though of course disagreeing in retrospect due to my identity an audience member. First, his fear of following in his father’s footsteps of being a selfish and cowardly parent propels him to make the hasty decision of turning into the Dark One by preserving his life and not having to serve military duty for the Ogre wars. Next, he was too afraid of being unforgiven by his son Bae (Neal), that he eventually lost Bae to the portal accident. After this, he painstakingly manipulates so many members in various realms to pave the way for his reunion with Neal, but that too eventually goes tragically wrong. Following Neal’s death, his fear of losing his only other loved one Belle, drove him to hold onto his powers as the Dark One, as a kind of safety net to ensure her continued presence by him. This move backfired again when Belle finally realised the truth of his deception, could not bring herself to forgive him anymore, leaving him as of Season 4B. Still stubborn, he even goes into cahoots with the Queens of Darkness and the vindictive author, in a bid to forcibly thrust a happy ending upon himself, which ultimately leaves him to end up back at square one all over again, while dragging many other characters into next season’s mayhem.

Rumple’s predicament stems from the continuous cycle of fear of inability to behave befittingly as a father and a husband, leading him to always try to rely on other greater but darker forces to assist him in his needs. What he hopes for are very noble, but the insecurity of past failures be it of his father’s and his own, blinds him to his hidden potential for doing great things out of love for those he cares about. As we see in season two’s finale when he valiantly sacrificed his life in a bid to secure that of Bae and the rest of the town, he definitely possesses more than enough capability to accomplish great and noble deeds, once he totally isolates his actions from fear, thus ensuring the deeds are completely motivated by godly love.

As news has been announced that next season will begin its broadcast in September, I’m eagerly looking forward to Rumple’s realisation that his biggest enemy is himself, but so too is his biggest ally. I wish this character all the best in his journey towards redemption and love.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.

1 Corinthians 16:13-14 (NIV)

Inside Out: Envy

While I was writing the previous entry on anger, a theme that I had placed huge emphasis on our lack of ability in exacting perfect impartial judgement all the time. This theme is critical in affecting how we cope with the next three emotions I’ll examine in the subsequent three entries. I have nicknamed them the Tricky Siamese Triplets, namely envy, pride and greed. Here I’ll briefly explain why I have classified them together. These three highly negative emotions stem out of the same root, that of wanting out of comparison, be it with those who have want we desire (envy), those who have what we think we deserve (pride), and those who have what we think is more blessings than us (greed). And usually these three emotions are very difficult to differentiate and divorce from one another, behaving indeed like co-joined triplets of sorts, and they will often disguise themselves with the appearance of anger, instead of revealing their true form. Well, I will attempt to isolate and examine them in three different entries, starting with envy.

We may question, having a desire for the good in life, is by itself, no sin, afterall who does not wish to be blessed. Note that the desire in envy is defined as covetousness, which are inordinate or wrong desires. “Inordinate” as the word suggests literally, means that it is “out of the ordinary”, thus meaning the desires have gone out of control and thus would naturally be wrong. These desires will have officially mutated into obsessions.

Here I will bring in the most famous Biblical example of one whose downfall was envy (though I think the dosage of pride was very high too). King Saul was originally a darling, doing a good job ruling over Israel. Most people attributed his downfall to begin only after David appeared and gained momentum with David’s war conquests. However many do not realise it began way before when David was a factor, and this occurred during the battle of Gilgal. God had instructed him very clearly through the prophet Samuel, only to start the battle sacrifice against the Philistine army. However due to his pride and impatience, he did not wait till Samuel had arrived for instructions and went ahead instead.

To those who are bewildered over this act, thinking it is merely a small matter, it is not so far the deed itself that is the crux of the problem, but the motivation behind it. Samuel had then declared to Saul harshly, saying “The Lord has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him ruler of his people, because you have not kept the Lord’s command.” (1 Samuel 13:14, NIV). This was further evidenced in 1 Samuel 15 when he again blatantly disobeyed God’s specific orders with regards to the battle with the Amakelites. Saul’s pride and impatience were the glaring indicator that his heart was no longer after God’s, having broken the very first divine commandment of loving God with all heart, soul and mind. By the time David appeared, this was glaringly apparent, in that he chose to focus on the recognition that David was gaining in comparison to himself, instead of urgently addressing his own lack of devotion to God. This obsession with what David was bestowed in comparison to himself, ironically was the very thing which accelerated his eventual demise, losing all he ever had (Read book of 1 Samuel 16 onwards to get a better idea). This is in stark contrast to another less bleak Old Testament example of King Solomon, who squandered away his early favour with God during the middle of his reign, but thankfully had the wisdom to rein himself in and repent in time during his final days, thus not needing to painfully witness the downfall of his kingdom.

Alright, drama example of OUAT (again), please bear with me! Since the term is coined “green with envy”, this character of focus is Zelena, Wicked Witch of the West, sister of Regina. To be fair, she did suffer abandonment by her mother Cora, snubbing by mentor Rumple in favour of Regina instead, under-appreciation by the other three Witches of Oz the moment Dorothy arrives, etc. However, she fails to do herself any favours by soaking herself up in envy and resentment.  There is even a perverted sense that she actually relishes it, and this is what makes us audience go green inside out. Her current sole purpose in life is schadenfreude directed towards Regina. Even though Regina has continuously made it clear to her that most of what she had been blessed with (title of queen albeit the adjective of evil, fearful obedience of royal subjects, the glam of the jewels and outfits etc), are not as marked up to be as Zelena envisioned, she remains stubbornly unconvinced. In the latest episodes, she had even resorted to stooping to the classic underhanded soap opera tactic of deceitfully bedding Regina’s boyfriend Robin Hood to get pregnant (For people not acquainted with OUAT, this is a fantasy drama and not a conventional family drama, so it is not the typical “making the guy drunk then go to bed”, though the outcome is still just as torturous for hardcore Outlaw Queen shippers like me).

When we are caught up in envy trap, focusing fixatedly on “the grass is always greener on the other side”, we rarely stop to ask ourselves: Firstly with regard to ourselves, yes even if the grass is indeed greener on the other side, is the desire of our side really that of grassfield? Sometimes we may find we may want a beach, a rainforest, a mountain or  a canyon instead, and do not desire that exact grassfield. This is quite obvious in the OUAT drama in that Zelena actually has no feelings whatsoever for Robin and neither does she really want what Regina has in the exact sense. She just cannot bear the thought of “losing” in her standing in comparison to Regina, such that her motto is “Wicked always wins”. She has remained oblivious till now that her motivation behind Regina’s continued misery is a longing for reconciliation with those she feel have let her down, e.g. Cora and Rumple, which in its purest form is reasonable.

Next, even if the answer to the first question is a definite yes, we need to acknowledge the toil and effort put into the fruition of that grassfield, which their architects rarely bring to anyone’s attention. No doubt due to differing abilities, tilling that grassfield may prove a piece of cake to you, but you would also likely then rapidly lose appreciation for the beauty of it. There is some speculation among OUAT followers that the baby move will rehab Zelena. Initially I had felt the idea to be preposterous due to my own biasedness against her, but in retrospect there may indeed be some warped wisdom behind the scriptwriters’ decision. Motherhood may actually let Zelena experience firsthand the volatile dynamics that had existed her mother Cora and her sister Regina, shifting her axis from solely self, and assisting her in relating to all other parties in the future, especially coming to terms that Cora and Regina’s lives were as much of a piece of cake as she thought.

In the recent years, I have gotten this inkling that possession does not directly equate to appreciation more and more, but is more akin to fruition. Think of the flowers in other people’s fields growing so beautifully. When we get so fixated to possess the beauty of that bloom and we pluck it off, we actually kill it as it is no longer in the vine. Meanwhile, those seeds which we have been assigned in life, have sowed in our field and toiled over so much weeding and watering laboriously, may seem so cruelly barren at the moment. However it is because we have experienced this hardship, once the first sprout emerges from the soil, our rejoicing will know no bounds. Now that is green beauty!

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.

Job 5:2 (NIV)

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

Proverbs 14:30 (NIV)

Inside Out: Anger

We have long misunderstood anger, villainised this emotion, focusing on its outright appearance. Granted anger definitely is not a pleasant emotion, but very often we focus on this aspect, and fail to examine and analyse the motivation behind all the raised voices, the reddening huff and puff looks. As compared to other more subtle unpleasant emotions (e.g. pride, envy, greed), actually anger may not be as vicious, as what you see is definitely what you get, and when you examine the motivation behind them, one may actually have some sympathy for the cause, leading to another beautiful emotion, namely graciousness.

We need not look too far, we can see that even our Heavenly Father was quite an angry God, be it with His very own chosen people, or those who oppressed His chosen people (so many examples in the Old Testament). Also, many renowned Old Testament prophets were very angry people. The best example would be Moses, who got so angry with the Egyptian slave driver to the point he murdered him (I’ll get back to this example later). Oh yes even in the New Testament, one of the most famous apostles, Paul, was a firebrand, be it whether it was before or after his conversion. Just have a look at some of his fiery letters, he publicly told Peter off for discriminating against the Gentiles.

All anger stems from the reaction to a very simple premise. That something is not right, in fact it is horribly wrong, and we cannot stomach it. In fact, this anger at all the wrongs in life is amazing proof that we’re made in God’s image, that we have inherited God’s thirst for justice. However, though we have indeed gotten God’s desire for righting wrongs in this world, we have not gotten that same full wisdom of judgement, and that is where complications start arising.

Most of the time, when we suffer severe indigestion over the wrongs of life, we are suffering it in the identities of ourselves, with ourselves being THE best judge over right and wrong, not in the identities of disciples of God, who question what God would have wanted. This is a very big struggle of mine, considering I have an extremely high J streak, and I have to consciously jack up my P to counter this, to give others the chance to explain themselves.

And even if we have assessed correctly over whether it is a right or wrong situation, we may not necessarily be equipped with the wisdom to think of the best alternative course of action. Here I’ll bring in the example of Moses. Definitely the Egyptian slave driver was doing wrong with the bullying and such. However, Moses’ reaction of murdering that slave driver there and then is definitely not the best solution. The fact that he was not yet ready with wisdom and courage is further evidenced by his later reaction of running off when confronted with his act. I believe God let him stay in the outlands for forty years, not so much as a punishment, but more for him to spend time reflecting on his past brash actions, in turn training him up with tact in the future for leading the Israelites out.

At the expense of sounding like an Once Upon a Time drama character Regina fanatic, I’ll bring in the drama example of her again. For those who have followed the series since its inception, you will know the motivation behind Regina’s fuming anger with Snow White is not the vanity as depicted in the traditional fairytale or Julia Robert’s Mirror Mirror film version (we shan’t dwell into accuracy of depiction as it is not the aim of this blog entry, though for those who are interested in having a talk with me on this, please feel free to drop me a message J). Granted, her anger was definitely justified, considering that Snow White’s naïve action had resulted in the tragic death of her childhood sweetheart. However, the course of Regina’s subsequent actions, generally summed up in her famous one-liner “I’ll destroy your happiness even if it is the last thing I do”, was what made her branded as “evil” (thankfully she is steadily on the road to redemption from the way the drama is proceeding).  

I guess apart from the obvious question of asking ourselves why we get angry (this filters away a lot of the pride, greed, envy masquerading as anger), it is much more urgent to ask ourselves the “what next”. More often than not, after we ask ourselves this, we will sense the anger giving way to something else. In season 3 of OUAT, Tinkerbell questioned Regina’s wisdom in clinging onto that anger, trying to convince her that the act of letting the anger go would grant her happiness. Regina however was fearful that by relinquishing that anger, she would be left with nothing, which to her was weakness. Quite often we struggle to retain this control over our lives, taking it as a sign of power and strength. However, life was never ours to control, we only control ourselves. Moreover, as the Beatitudes passage in the gospel showed, this weakness be a blessing, a yearning for solace with God (in the OUAT drama’s example, I would think it is symbolized by Regina’s love for her stepson Henry). As my spiritual director mentioned earlier during my sessions with her, it is not “react” but “respond”.

I had watched the play Off Center on last Sunday afternoon, leaving with the piping emotions of a volanco awaiting explosion. I guess I was reminded of many hurtful memories with regard to my medical history of mental illness. All of a sudden, the buried anger of the past years towards everyone (family, friends, colleagues, adversaries) seemed to be like resurrected zombies rising from their graves, threatening to inflict World War Z. Thankfully out of desperation, I quickly prayed for the indication of something bigger in life and He let me see them just before I turned in for bed. 

If anger for justice is like the majestic sun beating down upon us as we toil daily in the fields, then gentle mercy is something else, just as beautiful, though in another unique method of its own. It is like the stars peering out of the cleared up night skies. During the gloom of the night, sometimes they are not visible, though they are just as constant as the sun, just much more tender in brightness. The astronomy theory is that stars are “burnt out” versions of the sun, and that the fate awaiting our sun is that similar to the stars. In the similar way, after experiencing the burning intense anger towards the wrongs inflicted by us in life, we ask ourselves “what next” and we quell ourselves into these specks of little brightness waiting patiently to let the ultimate source of light to do all that is necessary. That may be what God means by not letting the sun go down while we are angry. Only then do we notice the stars that accompany us during the night before the daybreak.

In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV)

Inside Out: Introduction

I've used the title of the upcoming Pixar cartoon Inside Out for this reflection series on emotions. I think their concept of depicting emotions as a cartoon with each one as a personified individual is an interesting and novel idea for a film, and I'm indeed looking forward to the film. However real life is not so clear cut, as when I was running through my mind about this up blog reflections, I could around feel a lot of interlinking abound, which may not actually be such a bad thing after all. Just as my sister was teasing me last night about whether I was in a good mood, I replied her honestly that I was "undecided and mixed", as my moods towards different aspects of my life were veering all over the place, making it hard to simply place them under a positive versus negative divide.

This first entry is a preface thanking to a friend who made me realise the importance of acknowledging emotions in the first place. Around four years ago, I had bombarded her with my frustration with the cauldron of emotions I was experiencing, praying desperately for God to wrench them out of me, and she had introduced me to spiritual direction, silent retreat, without which I would not be the Catholic neophyte I am now. Today, there's still that whole big whole pot of juices of emotions inside, I'm still as lost as to what their purpose is as my life hasn't really progressed at all, though I've come appreciate them for the indicators they are.

With regard to the "what purpose does it serve" question, I think my spiritual director Roselie may have given me some inkling during my numerous sessions with her where she brought up the term "react". Emotions by themselves do not serve any purpose apart from being mere indicators of our train of thought, our mindset, our principles, our beliefs, about ourselves and others. Emotions are like reflections in a mirror. How we react to those reflections, is what ultimately defines the "purpose", if usage of that word is correct. 

In fact, I owe all of my emotions an apology. Without them, I wouldn't be all over the moon prancing away when I got my sword two weeks ago. Without them, my upcoming Germany trip would be a mere rest without the element of adventure and exploration. Without them, I wouldn't have left the theatre melancholic without a word after watching the play Fat Pig three years ago, compared to my companion who had dismissively slammed the verdict "Hummph, he doesn't love her enough." Without them, watching the play Public Enemy wouldn't have been such a satisfying contemplative activity such that I went home raving about it to my Dad. Without them I wouldn't have turn in to bed the way I did, when my parents returned safely from their Japan trip last night. Without them, I wouldn't have felt the relief I did when my sister announced her conclusion of her long-drawn job hunt on Wednesday night. Without them, I wouldn't be able to tease my other sister last night when she and her boyfriend were bantering with each other in the living room. I could go on and on, and I haven't even touched on the emotions after listening to certain songs, reading various books, watching different movies and drama series. As another friend of mine replied about it the other day that these emotions are for me to really live and experience life to the fullest, as cliché as it may sound. Afterall, all emotions positive or negative arise from love or the lack of it. I am grateful I have never lost sight of the importance of love in my life.

Thus, the aim of this series is really more of a "getting comfortable with my reflection in the mirror", turning myself "inside out" series. No point in breaking the mirror anyway, as I'd only cut and hurt myself with the shards. It's high time to take a good look at what's in the pot, one by one, since when I look at the pot in entirety, it is overwhelming.

I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture.  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:9-10 (NIV)

My Ribena Stain

No, my parents did not attend my confirmation rite in the church over Holy week last Saturday. In retrospect, it was a blessing in disguise. They did not have to witness the disaster during the final stage before I was to go to receive my very first Eucharist. Now I look at it, it really was for the better. I do not know how my father would have reacted had he witnessed first-hand on those emotions going through me. I think I have put him through enough turmoil in my earlier experiences, such that God would want to spare him this.

Instead what he got was something else instead. In the week before, he had told his daughter to be mindful when sharing the joy of salvation and upholding the covenant on online platforms like Facebook (i.e. my careless unedited original posting of my confirmation card with much of my personal information). She had silently took the advice in and gone ahead for the ceremony on Saturday. Yes, she came back on that night on a very muted tone, and he definitely could sense something had gone amiss. However, he also knew that since she had been able to make her way home safely, on the overall most was still well. So he decided to pull off his very own first “water into wine” of sorts.

When I came home on Monday, he had let me stay in his study where he and mum were looking videos of the cherry blossoms they were going to view in Japan in the next week. Then all of a sudden he veered into an unknown territory.

“So this name of yours now? Apart from that first one I don’t know what, now there’s this other one. The name that sounds like that drink.”

“… It is now Clare Regina. Clare for baptism, Regina for confirmation.”

“Ah… So troublesome, I’ll keep pronouncing it as Ribena.”

“Aiyo, just call her Wenhui like we always do lah,” my mum interjected.

For the next few minutes the three of us just continued looking at the videos of the cherry blossom, being comfortable in each other’s presence.

From what I know of my father, nickname calling has always been a term of endearment, though many of it are very derogatory. If he calls you by full proper name, then you are in serious major trouble. So I guess it means I am alright and cleared despite last Saturday. It was merely a Ribena stain on the white robe, that’s all.

My students = My teachers, my angels

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 18:3-4 (NIV)

During previous readings of this verse, I’d been largely neutral and indifferent to it. Perhaps due to my lack of opportunity with interacting with children, I had no concept to build on. However during my past three months of interacting with the beloved Pri 1 & 2 children of Sembawang FSC’s Student Care, I have had a whole new insight to this verse. These three months of guiding them, I have only imparted mere academic knowledge, whereas what these angels have blessed me with, is far more precious.

Ying Rui is always very bold, maybe bordering on audacity. However, this stems from his very clear vision of what is right and wrong, what specific things need to be done. His confidence in this knowledge never wavers, doubt never creeps in. I have nicknamed him, the Superhero.

Every good superhero needs a good sidekick, and here comes in femme fatale Cheri. She possesses that same distinction between right and wrong, but as there’s Ying Rui to take on the main role of policing, she content to take a back seat most of the time. This assurance of one’s self-worth without envy of other’s limelight is such a gem.

Alyssa is an attention seeker, always looking to me. Although I’ve worried about her independence skills in the future as she matures, yet I’m also heartened at how comfortable she is with her dependency on those she respects and looks up to. All sense of pride does not exist in my dynamics with her.

In class, there’ll always be a cheeky one, and here comes Zhi Wei. Yes, he yet does not know how to prioritise his duties well, but he’s very capable of delighting himself when having to plough through these otherwise drab and mundane work. How many of us can claim not to harbor any bitterness and resentment towards whatever unfavourables life throws at us? Just add in a dash of discipline, and I’m sure he will be a great example to his younger sister En Qi.

Carlynn is the underdog counter-example.  Previously dismissed as sort of a hopeless case, she has made remarkable progress through sheer grit against all odds. Yes, academically, she definitely is still a far cry from the likes of the Superhero, but her receptivity of encouragement and help, coupled with this dogged perseverance at bettering herself, has shown me clearly what apostle Paul meant by “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith”.

The Beatitudes mentioned about “blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth”, and this is the quiet Yong Liang at the corner. Despite how much he needs help and attention, he always has the reticence not to vie for the little time there is to go around in each session, always preferring to labour through own efforts first. However do not mistake this for sloth or cowardice, as it is far from it. It is generousity that propels him to share precious time with the rest of the class, showing the virtue of serving others before self.

Quite similarly, Jo Yee demonstrates what it means to be patience and wait for the best timing. Despite having completed her work far faster than her seniors, she is never anxious or fretful to insist on being attended to immediately. She is very sharp at spotting the exact moment and best person to approach.

Lastly, I would like to conclude with Angel. I admit she is my personal favourite. I’m unable to really concretise an outstanding virtue of hers relative to the rest, not that she does not possess what the others have, just that in a lesser capacity. However, what distinguishes her from all the rest is, despite how I'd mentioned that she pales in comparison to them, she possesses a carefree attitude, she does not worry, akin to what Solomon mentioned. This is indeed what I’d needed to learn most, especially with the turn of other events that I have been encountering, and some more yet to come. She knows she has done her best in her work, and she leaves the rest to me to mark and guide.

I choose to look at this past three months as not a mere coincidence, but God having a divine hand in introducing them to me. As Matthew 20:16 stated, that the first shall be the last, and the last shall be the first. In their eyes, I may seem to be the teacher Ms Tan who's teaching them. However, in actual fact they are the angels from God sent to guide me along this rocky path for now. I am so grateful for what they have imparted me, without me needing ever to earn anything from them. Amen!

A Regal Covenant

Despite my busy schedule to complete my RCIA, I’ve still able to be on a recent drama binge, following the first three seasons of Once Upon a Time. As impatient as I am, I’d gone on to spoiler myself slightly about season four which is still midway in broadcast, through following its official and unofficial fansites.

I guess it is because I can relate to one of the characters, Regina Mills aka the Evil Queen, very much. I don’t think I’ve suffered as much as her, neither have I done as much mayhem as she had, and definitely I haven’t reformed as much as she has. However, the emotional turmoil she’s carrying is a similar one I share, though in lesser magnitude. From the show’s latest advancements, despite her character’s most sincere efforts at rehabilitation, the “happy ending” still eludes her, like a finishing line that keeps getting advanced. And currently, I feel like that very much.

Like her, I am not that miserable. I am definitely out of my dark ages, just like how she has dropped the “evil” adjective. I no longer covet what others have, in the previous envious way in which I wish they were deprived of their blessings. Thankfully three years ago I’d been shown the counter-example of how schadenfreude can destroy someone else, so I need not learn this terrible lesson personally. However, I really do get wistful and I wonder whether my past sins have been too grave. Absolution of them is one thing, but bearing of their consequences is a whole different matter. And sometimes I get very tired. I even get tempted to revert to my previous ways. The term “God’s will” sounds hollow at best, sarcastic or even vicious at worst.

However, today’s RCIA session about the sacraments gave me a better view of the light at the end of the tunnel, and it definitely isn’t an oncoming train. All of the sacraments are covenants, not transactions. They are about beliefs and promises, not rewards and outcomes. Regina made a promise to her stepson Henry to reform, and I've made a similar promise to God. Then I have a better idea and feel slightly refreshed. 

As  a fan I’ve grown to root for this character more and more, maybe somewhere, the Holy One is really getting more and more pleased with me, be it whatever plans lie ahead. And the mere upholding of the regal covenant itself is happiness enough that never ends. Amen!

Evil doesn't always look evil. Sometimes it's staring right at us and we don't even know it.

-- Regina, OUAT Season 1 Episode 16

I don't know how to love very well. I wasn't capable of it for a very long time. But I know, I remember... that if you hold on to someone too hard, that doesn't make them love you.

-- Regina Mills, OUAT Season 2 Episode 2

Evil isn't born, it's made. And so is good. If I were you, I'd consider creating a new destiny.

-- Regina, OUAT Season 3 Episode 20