Mighty Morphing Happy Ending

Today’s piece is a kind of assorted rambling, no grand theme behind it per se. If I were to really classify it, it’d be an apology to a friend of mine. I’d known that friend very early on in my university years, though we were more of the “hi, how are you doing” polite talk kind then. In fact it was not till some random chance during 2011 when both she and I were very bored and had a random chat on current affairs (the Singapore General Elections and Presidential Elections had been looming then) through Facebook. And from there on it was as if some spark ignited of sorts and we were chatting with each other fast and furious. It is indeed timely that with the Singapore elections coming again, that I scrutinise what has happened over these years.

Maybe it was because both of us were at a similar stage in life for many common areas, thus we were able to relate to each other’s frustration easily. I myself then was struggling to cope with how my close childhood friends had moved on rapidly in life, and I felt very dejected and left behind. Also there was the pride issue. Which leads me to the next thing that’s occurred to me recently.

I am proudly now a Once Upon a Time drama fan. Think anyone who has been following this would have seen how apparent it is. And one very common theme that comes up continuously in the show would be the concept of “happy ending”. There would be discussion about who deserves it (the age old good versus evil debate, through examining the “heroes” and “villains” which is not a static identity in the show, reflecting the complexity of human beings), and what a "happy ending" is it exactly (e.g. squandering or contaminating one’s happy ending out of greed or fear versus making the most out of a seemingly terrible situation by changing one’s viewpoint and focusing on the “big joys” instead). I won’t go into exact details, but yes this show has influenced me greatly in these recent months, to do reflecting on my past 5-6 years.

That friend and I had bonded very much till a point in time when my relationship towards her took a drastic U-turn. I could not figure it out then. Everything she said and brought up irked me. I practically could not bear the thought of seeing or listening to her, let alone even reply her messages. However I continued to put up my pretense, till a point in time between 2014 and 2015, and I severed all contact with her as a New Year’s resolution.

Now that almost half of 2015 is over, I finally have the courage to face my own villain and admit the stuff for myself at least. I was jealous and prideful, that it seemed as if she was approaching her “happy ending” soon, whereas I was still wandering out there lost in the woods. Of course this is a highly simplified summary of things that had gone between us, and I trust that she has done her own reflecting on her thoughts and emotions with regard to our dynamics and past. However, I’ll just focus solely on "what I had done and what I had failed to do", as stated during Catholic mass which I attend (yes, in fact she was the very one who convinced me to eventually convert over to the Catholic faith, which I am eternally grateful). I simply could not bear my own hypocrisy anymore, and neither could I bear the thought of continuously witnessing her reaching her happy ending soon.

I remember during one of our coffee chats around in the Bishan café areas, she had actually said “I believe God XXX us for a reason.” (I’ll keep the XXX confidential out of respect to her and myself). When I had heard hear say that then, I was actually hopping mad furious. The thought running through my mind then was, fine she had had her happy ending figured out and was progressing steadily towards it so be it, but how dare she play prophet, and define my happy ending too!  Now as I re-examine my emotions then, yes it is reasonable to appeal to others not to define our lives. However it was mostly pride and jealousy that was fueling the intense fury.

With my recent dabbling in OUAT related activities (role-playing on Facebook with fellow fans), it has led me to hold a mirror up to myself and have a good look at my past, present and future, be it of situations, experience, emotions, etc. As one older wise fellow rp-er mentioned in one of our OOC chats (OOC meaning “out of character”, like a backstage area of sorts where we are back to our real life selves and befriend and get to know each other), what we think we want in life constantly morphs. She had never envisioned what brought her happiness now, as what she had desired back when she was much younger.

In Season 1's very beginning, the Evil Queen (Regina) in the show had threatened Snow White and her husband (the Charmings family) that she’d destroy their happiness if it was the last thing that she does in her life. As of where the show last concluded in Season 4, Regina and the Charmings family have eventually bonded into a semi-family cum friends kind of support network, though still full of sarcastic jibes and stuff. In fact during one very trying catastrophe where Regina faces a very tough choice whether to revert to her old ways (which she doesn’t), she calmly and proudly declares that for too long she had been standing in the way of her own happiness, and her happy ending was to “feel at home with the world”, with the part of her life under major crisis being merely a factor of that happy ending and not the entire thing.

I still do not intend to look up that friend, coward as I am, not knowing whether I have the capacity to handle the pride and jealousy demons again, though I apologise for what I had done and what I have failed to do, wishing her all the best in her journey towards her happy ending, that part of my ending remaining as it is for now. However, I’d look at some components of my “happy ending”. In the past, watching movies, concerts and theater performances unaccompanied would have seemed incomprehensible to me. Now doing this occurs without much thought, and in fact I have to mentally check that some of my friends may also be interested in those performances, alert them to it, instead of just booking ahead without verifying. I dreaded running when I was in primary school and the annual 2.4km run for the Physical Fitness Test was sheer agony. Now I have at least 4 runs, lengths varying between 5 to 10km, lined up for the rest of 2015. I shunned spicy food when I was young, but curry chicken is a staple order of mine whenever I pack my dinner at the mixed vegetable stalls now. I have loved reading since young and still do. However when in my younger days I had looked upon classics like Macbeth, Jane Eyre and Dream of Red Mansions as pieces of dreary writing, now I’ve come to appreciate the complex human themes behind them. Reading the Bible and Greek and Norse legends was no different to me during childhood. Now the Bible is The Word of God.

Since this “happy ending” is so prone to change and continuously transforming, it has led me to the cliché notion about how it is the journey and not the destination that matters, that the “happy ending” is actually just about being given the opportunity to come to this world and journey through it. I really do not know. I’m still lost in the woods though I am starting to appreciate some scenery now. Amen!

Inside Out: Envy

While I was writing the previous entry on anger, a theme that I had placed huge emphasis on our lack of ability in exacting perfect impartial judgement all the time. This theme is critical in affecting how we cope with the next three emotions I’ll examine in the subsequent three entries. I have nicknamed them the Tricky Siamese Triplets, namely envy, pride and greed. Here I’ll briefly explain why I have classified them together. These three highly negative emotions stem out of the same root, that of wanting out of comparison, be it with those who have want we desire (envy), those who have what we think we deserve (pride), and those who have what we think is more blessings than us (greed). And usually these three emotions are very difficult to differentiate and divorce from one another, behaving indeed like co-joined triplets of sorts, and they will often disguise themselves with the appearance of anger, instead of revealing their true form. Well, I will attempt to isolate and examine them in three different entries, starting with envy.

We may question, having a desire for the good in life, is by itself, no sin, afterall who does not wish to be blessed. Note that the desire in envy is defined as covetousness, which are inordinate or wrong desires. “Inordinate” as the word suggests literally, means that it is “out of the ordinary”, thus meaning the desires have gone out of control and thus would naturally be wrong. These desires will have officially mutated into obsessions.

Here I will bring in the most famous Biblical example of one whose downfall was envy (though I think the dosage of pride was very high too). King Saul was originally a darling, doing a good job ruling over Israel. Most people attributed his downfall to begin only after David appeared and gained momentum with David’s war conquests. However many do not realise it began way before when David was a factor, and this occurred during the battle of Gilgal. God had instructed him very clearly through the prophet Samuel, only to start the battle sacrifice against the Philistine army. However due to his pride and impatience, he did not wait till Samuel had arrived for instructions and went ahead instead.

To those who are bewildered over this act, thinking it is merely a small matter, it is not so far the deed itself that is the crux of the problem, but the motivation behind it. Samuel had then declared to Saul harshly, saying “The Lord has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him ruler of his people, because you have not kept the Lord’s command.” (1 Samuel 13:14, NIV). This was further evidenced in 1 Samuel 15 when he again blatantly disobeyed God’s specific orders with regards to the battle with the Amakelites. Saul’s pride and impatience were the glaring indicator that his heart was no longer after God’s, having broken the very first divine commandment of loving God with all heart, soul and mind. By the time David appeared, this was glaringly apparent, in that he chose to focus on the recognition that David was gaining in comparison to himself, instead of urgently addressing his own lack of devotion to God. This obsession with what David was bestowed in comparison to himself, ironically was the very thing which accelerated his eventual demise, losing all he ever had (Read book of 1 Samuel 16 onwards to get a better idea). This is in stark contrast to another less bleak Old Testament example of King Solomon, who squandered away his early favour with God during the middle of his reign, but thankfully had the wisdom to rein himself in and repent in time during his final days, thus not needing to painfully witness the downfall of his kingdom.

Alright, drama example of OUAT (again), please bear with me! Since the term is coined “green with envy”, this character of focus is Zelena, Wicked Witch of the West, sister of Regina. To be fair, she did suffer abandonment by her mother Cora, snubbing by mentor Rumple in favour of Regina instead, under-appreciation by the other three Witches of Oz the moment Dorothy arrives, etc. However, she fails to do herself any favours by soaking herself up in envy and resentment.  There is even a perverted sense that she actually relishes it, and this is what makes us audience go green inside out. Her current sole purpose in life is schadenfreude directed towards Regina. Even though Regina has continuously made it clear to her that most of what she had been blessed with (title of queen albeit the adjective of evil, fearful obedience of royal subjects, the glam of the jewels and outfits etc), are not as marked up to be as Zelena envisioned, she remains stubbornly unconvinced. In the latest episodes, she had even resorted to stooping to the classic underhanded soap opera tactic of deceitfully bedding Regina’s boyfriend Robin Hood to get pregnant (For people not acquainted with OUAT, this is a fantasy drama and not a conventional family drama, so it is not the typical “making the guy drunk then go to bed”, though the outcome is still just as torturous for hardcore Outlaw Queen shippers like me).

When we are caught up in envy trap, focusing fixatedly on “the grass is always greener on the other side”, we rarely stop to ask ourselves: Firstly with regard to ourselves, yes even if the grass is indeed greener on the other side, is the desire of our side really that of grassfield? Sometimes we may find we may want a beach, a rainforest, a mountain or  a canyon instead, and do not desire that exact grassfield. This is quite obvious in the OUAT drama in that Zelena actually has no feelings whatsoever for Robin and neither does she really want what Regina has in the exact sense. She just cannot bear the thought of “losing” in her standing in comparison to Regina, such that her motto is “Wicked always wins”. She has remained oblivious till now that her motivation behind Regina’s continued misery is a longing for reconciliation with those she feel have let her down, e.g. Cora and Rumple, which in its purest form is reasonable.

Next, even if the answer to the first question is a definite yes, we need to acknowledge the toil and effort put into the fruition of that grassfield, which their architects rarely bring to anyone’s attention. No doubt due to differing abilities, tilling that grassfield may prove a piece of cake to you, but you would also likely then rapidly lose appreciation for the beauty of it. There is some speculation among OUAT followers that the baby move will rehab Zelena. Initially I had felt the idea to be preposterous due to my own biasedness against her, but in retrospect there may indeed be some warped wisdom behind the scriptwriters’ decision. Motherhood may actually let Zelena experience firsthand the volatile dynamics that had existed her mother Cora and her sister Regina, shifting her axis from solely self, and assisting her in relating to all other parties in the future, especially coming to terms that Cora and Regina’s lives were as much of a piece of cake as she thought.

In the recent years, I have gotten this inkling that possession does not directly equate to appreciation more and more, but is more akin to fruition. Think of the flowers in other people’s fields growing so beautifully. When we get so fixated to possess the beauty of that bloom and we pluck it off, we actually kill it as it is no longer in the vine. Meanwhile, those seeds which we have been assigned in life, have sowed in our field and toiled over so much weeding and watering laboriously, may seem so cruelly barren at the moment. However it is because we have experienced this hardship, once the first sprout emerges from the soil, our rejoicing will know no bounds. Now that is green beauty!

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.

Job 5:2 (NIV)

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

Proverbs 14:30 (NIV)

Movie Mayhem with God Part 9: 大兵小将

Hihi, gonna torture some of my blog followers again. Personally feel more appropriate in writing the rest of this blog entry in Chinese, so please bear with me again... 最近在脸书上密切留意一位好友的近况，甚至蛮替她担忧。忽然突发灵感，为她特地写了这个 blog entry，希望她能慢慢“消化”。

这份blog entry想介绍的电影《大兵小将》，其实上映是在至少 18 个月前了，相信肯定在 DVD 商店购买得到，若没记错好像电视上可能都已经在去年圣诞或今年新春时播映了。个人对这部电影的钟爱其实在于它背后的哲理，剧情方面我则得承认有点薄弱，不够紧凑吸引人。故事内容非常简单，描述春秋时期，某即将灭亡小国的太子（王力宏所饰），带领了军队对抗仇敌，哪知途中惨遭另外第三支敌军袭击，对打时两军两败俱伤，太子被一名敌营小兵（成龙所饰）俘虏，企图将他押回国得奖赏。逃亡途中两人不停争吵，但渐渐竟然开始彼此惺惺相惜起来了。

剧中特别欣赏小兵的生活心态，他在成功擒获太子将军之后，常常会自言自语，筹措着该讨多少奖赏，来买多大的田地。戏中小兵常会最后对自己下结论：三亩田太小、不够养活全家；五亩田太大、一家人经营不来；所以四亩田刚好。羡慕其他人是人之常情，没什么好觉得过于罪恶愧疚的。但是当我们开始沉溺于羡慕，这会开始演变成嫉妒。羡慕则还好、嫉妒的狰狞可怕则是无法预测的。我自己就曾经可怕得我不想面对，现在这恶魔还时不时会出现，好费力才能镇压得住，在此非得感谢主赐予我薄力撑到现在。。。

在生活时，有时我们的嫉妒是自讨苦吃的，因为我们会主动地去拿自己的那四亩田，跟别人的五亩田相比；但又有时，在我们专心辛勤耕种时，会有些隔田的农夫们不停“提醒”我们他们那五亩田有多大，打扰我们。对于先前情况，没什么好说，两个字，活该！但后者呢？怎么办？在此想奉劝每人，更包括自己，问一下自己身为农夫的能力。若自己能力能够胜任更大的田地，自然迟早会得到更大的田地。安啦！至于那些“好心”的农夫，可能他们未必如自己所说得那么幸福，不然为何他们老是把自己田地的大小挂在嘴边。大家专心耕田吧，吃饱闲着啊！

我今天下午刚在脸书上感叹，羡慕与嫉妒只在一线一念之间，而一线一念却常常能决定一个凡人将身处天堂或地狱。我现在还在人间挣扎着，但欣慰的是看到天堂的轮廓竟然越来越清了。。。

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.
Job 5:2 (NIV)

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.
Proverbs 14:30 (NIV)

Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Galatians 5:26 (NIV)

Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
James 3:15-16 (NIV)