Inside Out: Introduction

I've used the title of the upcoming Pixar cartoon Inside Out for this reflection series on emotions. I think their concept of depicting emotions as a cartoon with each one as a personified individual is an interesting and novel idea for a film, and I'm indeed looking forward to the film. However real life is not so clear cut, as when I was running through my mind about this up blog reflections, I could around feel a lot of interlinking abound, which may not actually be such a bad thing after all. Just as my sister was teasing me last night about whether I was in a good mood, I replied her honestly that I was "undecided and mixed", as my moods towards different aspects of my life were veering all over the place, making it hard to simply place them under a positive versus negative divide.

This first entry is a preface thanking to a friend who made me realise the importance of acknowledging emotions in the first place. Around four years ago, I had bombarded her with my frustration with the cauldron of emotions I was experiencing, praying desperately for God to wrench them out of me, and she had introduced me to spiritual direction, silent retreat, without which I would not be the Catholic neophyte I am now. Today, there's still that whole big whole pot of juices of emotions inside, I'm still as lost as to what their purpose is as my life hasn't really progressed at all, though I've come appreciate them for the indicators they are.

With regard to the "what purpose does it serve" question, I think my spiritual director Roselie may have given me some inkling during my numerous sessions with her where she brought up the term "react". Emotions by themselves do not serve any purpose apart from being mere indicators of our train of thought, our mindset, our principles, our beliefs, about ourselves and others. Emotions are like reflections in a mirror. How we react to those reflections, is what ultimately defines the "purpose", if usage of that word is correct. 

In fact, I owe all of my emotions an apology. Without them, I wouldn't be all over the moon prancing away when I got my sword two weeks ago. Without them, my upcoming Germany trip would be a mere rest without the element of adventure and exploration. Without them, I wouldn't have left the theatre melancholic without a word after watching the play Fat Pig three years ago, compared to my companion who had dismissively slammed the verdict "Hummph, he doesn't love her enough." Without them, watching the play Public Enemy wouldn't have been such a satisfying contemplative activity such that I went home raving about it to my Dad. Without them I wouldn't have turn in to bed the way I did, when my parents returned safely from their Japan trip last night. Without them, I wouldn't have felt the relief I did when my sister announced her conclusion of her long-drawn job hunt on Wednesday night. Without them, I wouldn't be able to tease my other sister last night when she and her boyfriend were bantering with each other in the living room. I could go on and on, and I haven't even touched on the emotions after listening to certain songs, reading various books, watching different movies and drama series. As another friend of mine replied about it the other day that these emotions are for me to really live and experience life to the fullest, as cliché as it may sound. Afterall, all emotions positive or negative arise from love or the lack of it. I am grateful I have never lost sight of the importance of love in my life.

Thus, the aim of this series is really more of a "getting comfortable with my reflection in the mirror", turning myself "inside out" series. No point in breaking the mirror anyway, as I'd only cut and hurt myself with the shards. It's high time to take a good look at what's in the pot, one by one, since when I look at the pot in entirety, it is overwhelming.

I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture.  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:9-10 (NIV)