My Ribena Stain

No, my parents did not attend my confirmation rite in the church over Holy week last Saturday. In retrospect, it was a blessing in disguise. They did not have to witness the disaster during the final stage before I was to go to receive my very first Eucharist. Now I look at it, it really was for the better. I do not know how my father would have reacted had he witnessed first-hand on those emotions going through me. I think I have put him through enough turmoil in my earlier experiences, such that God would want to spare him this.

Instead what he got was something else instead. In the week before, he had told his daughter to be mindful when sharing the joy of salvation and upholding the covenant on online platforms like Facebook (i.e. my careless unedited original posting of my confirmation card with much of my personal information). She had silently took the advice in and gone ahead for the ceremony on Saturday. Yes, she came back on that night on a very muted tone, and he definitely could sense something had gone amiss. However, he also knew that since she had been able to make her way home safely, on the overall most was still well. So he decided to pull off his very own first “water into wine” of sorts.

When I came home on Monday, he had let me stay in his study where he and mum were looking videos of the cherry blossoms they were going to view in Japan in the next week. Then all of a sudden he veered into an unknown territory.

“So this name of yours now? Apart from that first one I don’t know what, now there’s this other one. The name that sounds like that drink.”

“… It is now Clare Regina. Clare for baptism, Regina for confirmation.”

“Ah… So troublesome, I’ll keep pronouncing it as Ribena.”

“Aiyo, just call her Wenhui like we always do lah,” my mum interjected.

For the next few minutes the three of us just continued looking at the videos of the cherry blossom, being comfortable in each other’s presence.

From what I know of my father, nickname calling has always been a term of endearment, though many of it are very derogatory. If he calls you by full proper name, then you are in serious major trouble. So I guess it means I am alright and cleared despite last Saturday. It was merely a Ribena stain on the white robe, that’s all.

A Regal Covenant

Despite my busy schedule to complete my RCIA, I’ve still able to be on a recent drama binge, following the first three seasons of Once Upon a Time. As impatient as I am, I’d gone on to spoiler myself slightly about season four which is still midway in broadcast, through following its official and unofficial fansites.

I guess it is because I can relate to one of the characters, Regina Mills aka the Evil Queen, very much. I don’t think I’ve suffered as much as her, neither have I done as much mayhem as she had, and definitely I haven’t reformed as much as she has. However, the emotional turmoil she’s carrying is a similar one I share, though in lesser magnitude. From the show’s latest advancements, despite her character’s most sincere efforts at rehabilitation, the “happy ending” still eludes her, like a finishing line that keeps getting advanced. And currently, I feel like that very much.

Like her, I am not that miserable. I am definitely out of my dark ages, just like how she has dropped the “evil” adjective. I no longer covet what others have, in the previous envious way in which I wish they were deprived of their blessings. Thankfully three years ago I’d been shown the counter-example of how schadenfreude can destroy someone else, so I need not learn this terrible lesson personally. However, I really do get wistful and I wonder whether my past sins have been too grave. Absolution of them is one thing, but bearing of their consequences is a whole different matter. And sometimes I get very tired. I even get tempted to revert to my previous ways. The term “God’s will” sounds hollow at best, sarcastic or even vicious at worst.

However, today’s RCIA session about the sacraments gave me a better view of the light at the end of the tunnel, and it definitely isn’t an oncoming train. All of the sacraments are covenants, not transactions. They are about beliefs and promises, not rewards and outcomes. Regina made a promise to her stepson Henry to reform, and I've made a similar promise to God. Then I have a better idea and feel slightly refreshed. 

As  a fan I’ve grown to root for this character more and more, maybe somewhere, the Holy One is really getting more and more pleased with me, be it whatever plans lie ahead. And the mere upholding of the regal covenant itself is happiness enough that never ends. Amen!

Evil doesn't always look evil. Sometimes it's staring right at us and we don't even know it.

-- Regina, OUAT Season 1 Episode 16

I don't know how to love very well. I wasn't capable of it for a very long time. But I know, I remember... that if you hold on to someone too hard, that doesn't make them love you.

-- Regina Mills, OUAT Season 2 Episode 2

Evil isn't born, it's made. And so is good. If I were you, I'd consider creating a new destiny.

-- Regina, OUAT Season 3 Episode 20