Awestruck

“You must really count your blessings.”

Those were the words of my friend D before we parted ways while on our way home. After musing about what have passed in the two days, I remark to myself, “Actually not only count, but just believe in them.”

I think I’d lost the ability to believe in blessings sometime earlier in my life during that fateful April 2011. After God managed to save me from that incident, I was still a faithful believer in Christ, but somehow with regard to blessings, I had become a diehard cynic. Ironically, it did not manifest itself in the direct way of dismissing blessings as falsehood and lies. It stemmed more from the fundamental knowledge that blessings are transient. Perhaps the best person to quote from the Bible with regard to my mindset would be Job with his famous

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

Job 1:21-22 (NIV)

I was not wrong in being aware of the transience of blessings. They are indeed impermanent and come and go. However, I had become so hung up on their brevity, that I was in a perpetual state of panic that I even as I have come to learnt to take care of myself better and better, while respecting other, my fear would get in the way regularly and disturb me from fully appreciating what I have been blessed with.

I think God had enough. Being pleased with my willingness to serve him was not enough. He wanted me to reclaim the joy I had lost that May five years ago. Being the master planner He is, He did not reveal the plans immediately. Instead he laid the foundations much earlier, with the situation at times looking unstable, erratic, and even dismal at times. And meanwhile I was wondering whether I was really incorrigible, a case doomed for failure.

During this past five years of unravelling, I had not recognized the gift at first. It really took a while to see it, here, there. Now my eyes are blinded by the majesty of it. Indeed His ways are really beyond any comprehension. It is at the revelation of their totality and completeness that you are left gaping in awe and wonder.

I am still awestruck in joy, and I pray to God to help me always hold this moment in my heart. Amen!

Movie Mayhem with God: Everest & The Martian

I’ve picked two recent movies seemingly different to each other in terms of their outcome. In the movie Everest based on the ill-fated 11 May 1996 hiking expedition, eight hikers perished, amongst them seasoned expedition leaders Rob Hall (Adventure Consultants) and Scott Fischer (Mountain Madness); meanwhile in the movie The Martian, astronaut Mark Watney manages to survive on Mars for seven months through perseverance and ingenuity, before finally being rescued.

At first glance these two movies seems polar opposites in relation to the theme of human survival. I recall a friend who had watched both, remarking to me how she enjoyed The Martian considerably more, as the movie Everest sort of left her feeling “heavy”. In a weird sense, having watched both movies in a short span of a mere few days between each other, I felt a consistent uniform theme binding both shows together, as if they were the flip side of each other.

Mid-way in the movie Everest, before the joint expedition team made their doomed hike up the summit, a local guide Anatoli Boukreev had already ominously predicted, “There is competition between every person on this mountain. The last word always belongs to the mountain.” This state of how finite we human beings are relative to something so huge, magnificent and menacing, Mount Everest as in the case of the first movie, is precisely the same rationale which makes the second movie’s protagonist’s eventual rescue so joyful. The fact that Mark Watney is able to subsist on a planet which is scientifically unfavourable to human survival for as long as he did, in time for this team mates to come back in time to rescue him. Of course there was the selflessness of his team mates, willing to delay their return to their families, even to the point of putting their own survival. Note that this element too mirrors the first movie, where protagonist Rob Hall’s act of sacrifice to accompany Doug Hansen on the ascent up South Summit again, despite having already started on his own descent down, was the very critical move which delayed his plans, resulting in him getting stranded on South Summit, ending in tragedy.

This omniscient, omnipotent presence in both movies, is indeed very akin to God Himself, which is what the underlying uniform theme. Yes, there were good selfless acts by protagonists in both movies, but ultimately it is up to this mightier being who decides the final outcome. And perhaps our own minute act of selflessness, may actually be a manifest of omniscience and omnipotence, in the very image of the Almighty One, so the outcome for God’s plans for us may not be as linear or static as we think it is.

I’ll end off with the quote from Mark Watney towards the end of the second movie, which happens to be a great contrast to the earlier quote from the movie Everest. “Every human being has a basic instinct, to help each other out. If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people coordinate a search. If an earthquake levels the city, people all over the world send emergency supplies. This instinct is found in every culture without exception.” Instead of looking at them as polar opposites, I would choose to look at them as elements which complete each other into a whole.

“There is competition between every person on this mountain. The last word always belongs to the mountain.”

Everest, Anatoli Boukreev

“Every human being has a basic instinct, to help each other out. If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people coordinate a search. If an earthquake levels the city, people all over the world send emergency supplies. This instinct is found in every culture without exception.”

The Martian, Mark Watney

My Ribena Stain

No, my parents did not attend my confirmation rite in the church over Holy week last Saturday. In retrospect, it was a blessing in disguise. They did not have to witness the disaster during the final stage before I was to go to receive my very first Eucharist. Now I look at it, it really was for the better. I do not know how my father would have reacted had he witnessed first-hand on those emotions going through me. I think I have put him through enough turmoil in my earlier experiences, such that God would want to spare him this.

Instead what he got was something else instead. In the week before, he had told his daughter to be mindful when sharing the joy of salvation and upholding the covenant on online platforms like Facebook (i.e. my careless unedited original posting of my confirmation card with much of my personal information). She had silently took the advice in and gone ahead for the ceremony on Saturday. Yes, she came back on that night on a very muted tone, and he definitely could sense something had gone amiss. However, he also knew that since she had been able to make her way home safely, on the overall most was still well. So he decided to pull off his very own first “water into wine” of sorts.

When I came home on Monday, he had let me stay in his study where he and mum were looking videos of the cherry blossoms they were going to view in Japan in the next week. Then all of a sudden he veered into an unknown territory.

“So this name of yours now? Apart from that first one I don’t know what, now there’s this other one. The name that sounds like that drink.”

“… It is now Clare Regina. Clare for baptism, Regina for confirmation.”

“Ah… So troublesome, I’ll keep pronouncing it as Ribena.”

“Aiyo, just call her Wenhui like we always do lah,” my mum interjected.

For the next few minutes the three of us just continued looking at the videos of the cherry blossom, being comfortable in each other’s presence.

From what I know of my father, nickname calling has always been a term of endearment, though many of it are very derogatory. If he calls you by full proper name, then you are in serious major trouble. So I guess it means I am alright and cleared despite last Saturday. It was merely a Ribena stain on the white robe, that’s all.

Movie Mayhem with God Part 10: Edge of Tomorrow

Just last week, I had been joking with a friend over his hamster. With regard to these creatures, a common image we have of them are their vigourous regimes on those wheels in their cages, as they bound apparently towards nowhere.

I’ve completed a latest cycle on this treadmill of life. It was three years ago that I watched the movie Source Code and was personally touched. Now in 2014, the movie Edge of Tomorrow has brought back the same effect, as it is perhaps of no coincidence that my current state of life is highly similar to that three years ago.

Seems like really nothing has changed. Just like William Cage in Edge of Tomorrow, I’ve been living this full cycle, and not being able to break out of it, and as the cycle comes to conclusion soon, it is time to “die again”. The sole, yet critical difference: it’s less shameful, painful and excruciating. As William Cage trains up in the movie, his survival span lengthens each time round, slowly and surely, and his methods of dying get less humiliating and more honourable along the way.

During the middle of the show, Rita asks him whether he knows what’s in store next, and he replies “Well, I’ve never gotten this far.” Indeed, I’ve also never gotten this far in my current state in life, despite the impending “death” in the cycle coming up.

It was a delight to watch the movie. In fact, I felt Edge of Tomorrow surpassed Source Code, as William Cage’s character is much more believable and relatable, being that he isn’t an out and out hero as the lead in Source Code. In fact in the early parts of the show displaying William Cage’s lack of effectiveness with cockiness (plentiful examples), I was laughing till my sides split, as I had déjà vu moments of looking through a time portal of sorts, replaying all those horrendous mistakes I’ve made in my past.

Then there are the latter parts of the show which made my heart ache for his character. His dejection as he doesn’t bother with training and escapes to a café to drown in his misery but is nevertheless killed again. And then his selfless brashness in deciding to take on the duty all by himself, as he doesn’t want to get any other people involved to spare them the torture. At the risk of coming across as though I’m boasting, on certain days in life, I personally experience emotions and thoughts along these frequencies on a regular basis.

In the trailer’s monologue, William Cage states simply “For me, it’s been an eternity”. Indeed it has seems like I’m perpetually getting nowhere in life. When thinking along these lines, I can really envision God smirking at me saying “Be careful when you define the term ‘eternal life’, and pray carefully…” This year marks the 6^th year of my life as a daughter of Christ, and I guess the fact that at completion of the latest three year cycle, I’m still bothering to want to identify myself as a believer, is already cause enough for rejoicing. Think the conversation between Rita and William in the movie kind of summarises what God has up his sleeve for me, though frankly, I still don’t get it that clear. Well, if I got it that clear, I wouldn’t still be dying I guess. However, yes, this is an official announcement of sorts that the Movie Mayhem with God series is resurrected. Amen!

William: But I’m not a soldier!

Rita: Of course you’re not a soldier! You’re a weapon.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 (NIV)

Baaa... Humbug about sight!

I was moved by God recently to read the scripture pertaining to God’s command to Abraham to offer Issac as a burnt sacrifice to him. Previously this passage had never had much significance to me and I had always read through it with a “ho-hum” kind of breezy manner. That is till last night.

 

I had been nursing this discontentment against a friend recently. We were previously very close on matters of the heart as we were both down on the dumps of sorts. Then something within me had shook and I decided that my acknowledgment period was up, it was “proceeding onward” time.  However she wasn’t too convinced that I had completely given due face to my problems and was still trying to run away from them. This got me quite pissed and resulting in the following “cooling off period” with her. Till this day I still cannot really bring myself to speak to her at ease. Turns out both she and me are both right and wrong at the same time. Indeed I hadn’t completely acknowledged my fears and desires, BUT it was also true that it was high time for moving on. Some things can progress in parallel.

This is where I’ll like to examine a bit of how Abraham’s psyche functioned in the passage. God had sworn to bless him with countless descendants and though initially skeptical, he had been bestowed upon Issac in the latter years of his life. So imagine the conflict and confusion when God command him to offer his very own son as a burnt offering.  One thing very kiam pah about the Bible is that it rarely does direct narration of the internal struggles of the characters, but chooses to let us readers do detective work instead by depicting the character’s words and actions.

For actions wise, Abraham was very obedient to God by going about his exact commands. However what struck me was the portion when during his journey with Issac and his servants to the sacrificial hill, the exact words he had replied his servants.

“Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.”

Genesis 22:5 (NIV)

 

Abraham was struggling to reconcile how was he able to have his son, but yet still offering his son as a burnt offering to God at the same time. He definitely couldn't see how all this would work out. The bold line felt more like to prayer to God than a passing remark to inform his servants. This is further evidenced later when Issac asked him where the lamb was and his reply.

“God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.”

Genesis 22:8 (NIV)

 

The interesting thing to note is that the two conflicting ideas within Abraham, love and obedience towards God, and love for his own son, neither was sinful. It just seemed that merely irreconcilable at the time.

I was wondering to myself, was Abraham clinging onto a tiny hope that God would withdraw his initial command. The more I read, the more I had to admit yes. That would explain the use of plurals when he informed his servants of the arrangements to return, and his reply to his son that God would provide a lamb eventually. And Jesus did offer himself up at the ultimate lamb offering much much later on…
 

Though I’ve done personality analysis test and found myself to fit primarily in the Melancholic group represented by Abraham, I admit in doing this tightrope act of both obedience to God while acknowledgment of self wise, I’m still kind of shaky. Some parts of myself I constantly deny out of this fear that it is indication of disobedience and disloyalty towards God. However, God has pushed me towards examining this aspect hard, as denial of self would then run risk of the dishonesty to God. And please lah, kidding God?! Impossible con job…

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

Psalms 103:13-14 (NIV)

 

This Saturday I’ll be bringing my own “Issac” up prayer hill. Ok, so God hasn’t promised me anything concrete apart from “plans to prosper” and “give you hope and a future”. Bleah, talk about ambiguity. -_- Precisely because of this ambiguity, the concept of “prosperity, hope and a future” are as abstract to me as that of describing colours to a person who is born blind. However, God also never penalizes anyone for construction ideas of what this “prosperity, hope and a future” are. Like I was remarking to a Christian mentor about how coincidental that I’d be having Dialogue in the Dark session at Ngee Ann Polytechnic this Saturday with my friends, when you do not have any sight of what the future holds, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to shut off the four other senses to what lies ahead. Meanwhile I’ll just keep listening to the below few verses to reassure myself while constructing a better idea what the “plans to prosper” and “give you hope and a future” may look like. Time to listen to His voice more when he doesn’t want to show me things. For all I know, I may starting hearing a “baa” somewhere calling.


Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”
John 20: 29 (NIV)

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
1 Corinthians 10:13 (NIV)

Movie Mayhem with God Part 3: Source Code

Finally a secular movie with God's positive wisdom! Though one tiny reason why I love this movie so, is that the lead actor Jake Gyllenhaal is a hunk... :P

Ok, back to the movie plot itself.
The lead "wakes up to find himself in the body of somebody else and finds out he is part of a mission to find the culprit of a certain train bombing". Sounds simple enough. Ah, when the time factor comes in, the poor lead, and us audience start to have a headache. Turns out that he is sort of "reliving the final 8 minutes of a certain victim in the train bombing."

Thus the initial action thriller part of the movie focuses on the lead trying to first find where the bomb on the train is, which passenger is the culprit and most importantly where this culprit has stashed his hide of another bigger amount of weapons for an even worse large scale bombing.

Then eventually the movie veers into the more philosophical, theological and emotional realm where the lead struggles with the concept of the mission. According to his superiors, the mission is solely to stop a future bombing. The 1st train bombing is considered past and irreversible. The leader however is unwilling to resign to this success alone. He hopes to prevent that "past bombing" since he is reliving that particular 8 minutes repeatedly and he has something for all the other innocent victims in that bombing (of course especially inclusive of an certain attractive spunky female lead). For the lead, the concept of events and time are not linear but could be parallel. He deduces and argues with one of the personnels in charge of the mission, that the future prevented 2nd bombing could have been a sort of "past event", thus justifying his rationale to give it a shot at remedying the 1st bombing. Ok, I'll leave the ending for you to find out when you head towards the theatres (please go soon, I don't think it will survive past next wednesday as it has run for more than 2 months).

The message from God in this movie is not so much of us being saviours like the lead to correct and remedy future and even past mistakes. Note that in the movie, the lead is a helicopter pilot in the US war on Afghan. He was selected for the special mission, as his life threatening injuries from the war matched closely that of that other victim in the 1st train bombing, thus the team "implanted his consciouness in to that 8 miniutes of parallel time of the victim before death".
We too have been chosen by God to be heroes in our own way, to serve in His mission.

As for time factor wise, I've no scientific background in the concept of time though I do have some inkling that Einstein did propose that time as we know it is actually dependant on the speed of light. Thus if the speed of light where altered, theoretically we go back/forward in time.
Looking in this light (literally and metaphorically), the 2nd coming of Christ may really be totally beyond human comprehension.

The main commander general and coordinator of The ultimate rescue mission is God, we believers are but soldiers chosen for our individual talent, skill, ability (as represented by the lead's injuries) to effect a tiny part of this grand mission. However, we must also never look down on the task we are entrusted with. This is partly mirrored by metaphorsis of the attitude of the lead in the movie.

In the initially "trial runs" of the 8 miniutes, the lead is clearly frustrated by his lack of knowledge of the mission and adopts a "get it over and done with" attitude. Later when he gets over the frustration, he is furious towards for culprit of the the 1st bombing and the 2nd plot. He also even harbours resentment towards the mission leaders who selected him, for not letting his body die naturally and thus leaving him conscious of his separation from his father. Later on nearing the climax, he develops a sense of attachment for all the victims in the 1st bombing and pleads with one of the chiefs in the project to let him try reversing the past, even though he knows that this may endanger the actual him's chances of survival.

During our walk with Chirst, a similar series of that replay occur along the way. We get frustrated with the seemingly impossible teachings of Christ we have to uphold and want to "get it over and done with". Other times we believers harbour anger both towards others (sinners, fellow believers and even God himself), thinking they are making our walk difficult, separating us from God! However each significant stage of our walk with God comes when we sacrifice some selfish desire to place of what God deems as a greater good.

In conclusion, let us perserve on in our walk with Him, for eventually "all things will be made good again through His ways".

For the perserving believer
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
2 Timothy 4:7

In praise of God's ultimate mission
For the old order of things has passed away. He who is seated on the throne said "I am making everything new"
Revelations 21:4-5

I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.
Revelations 22:12