Anger containment: Finding peace despite the senselessness

No one likes to be on the receiving end of anger, no matter whether it is justified or not. After all that is what makes forgiveness so appealing, as it neutralises this load that no one dares to bear. Which brings me to examine the Oscar season movie focusing squarely on anger management, "Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri", and how anger turn out to be a vehicle of goodness.

An interesting post I had read earlier from a fellow movie enthusiast, expressed immense personal dislike in particular towards the film's lead protagonist Mildred. In particular the view drew contrast between Mildred and the protagonist in an earlier Oscar winning movie in 2016 dealing also with anger and grief, namely Lee Chandler from "Manchester by the Sea". The thesis was that Lee Chandler is much more worthy of sympathy than Mildred as he self-directs his torment, unlike Mildred who has selfishly dragged the entire town into her pot of vengeance, such that everyone emerges a "loser", as in her words.  

If you examine solely the direction in which the anger is exacted, Mildred does appear extremely unreasonable. However upon scrutinising the origins behind the two different stories and characters' grief and anger, we may better understand and empathise with Mildred. Spoilers ahead for both films.

Lee Chandler originally had a happy family with wife Randi and three children. As you find out eventually in the course of "Manchester by the Sea"', it is unquestionably through Lee Chandler own negligence when being intoxicated, that the fire which engulfed and killed his children was ignited. Meanwhile, the situation for Mildred in Thee Billboards is markedly less clear-cut.

Mildred's early ill treatment at the hands of her former husband Charlie sets up the dysfunctional environment which her children Angela and Robbie grew up, leading them to have a conflicted relationship towards their mother. In the light of this setting, Angela rebels against Mildred by insisting on taking the family car without permission out for a drive unsupervised, which culminated in her very own rape and murder.

The similarity between Lee Chandler and Mildred is their grim realisation that nothing they can do will ever bring their children back to them, and this aspect of manifests as self-directed grief and anger, which both Lee Chandler and Mildred possess.

Mildred Hayes unfortunately has an additional baggage of other parties being also involved in the genesis of the tragedy (for example her fickle ex-husband Charlie who has quickly moved onward to a new relationship with a minor; her muted son Robbie who despite having done his part to help, was too little too late). Coupled with the chronic ineptitude of the town law enforcement team (namely Willoughby and Dixon) to solve the case, she has taken upon the huge mission of getting all these members to be accountable for their own part in this lack of closure.

Over the course of the film, despite the initial wrath Mildred had drawn from majority of the townsfolk, I would say things have worked out for the better for all involved in a weird way, all thanks to Mildred's efforts, extreme they may be. Through the final letters of Willoughby before his death, we sense empathetic comradeship between Mildred and him, notwithstanding their conflict with each other from a professional standpoint. It may very well have been Mildred's situation that prompted Willoughby to prioritise his family over all else in his last days. He even sponsors her for additional rent in putting up the billboards, indirectly conceding his remorse at not being able to do more. Robbie consents to showing grudging support for Mildred through a stoic calmness in school and helping her with setting up of the replacement billboards. Also, it is Mildred's case coupled with the departure of Willoughby, that starts Dixon's personal and professional journey to maturity. Even her ex-husband Charlie takes some ownership over his irresponsibility in the bar scene.

 

Midway in the film, there is a rare scene of Mildred displaying her vulnerability (the other being the scene where Willoughby coughs blood in front of her) , confiding with a deer. Through this we see her for exactly what she is, a woman who is unfortunately bearing way more than the usual load from family tragedy, questioning God, to whom should she pass the load onward and how to do it.

Then she had concluded in a exasperated manner her doubt in the existence and presence of God. Oddly though, from the outcome of everything, she may actually be the vehicle of God himself on others, as everyone has come to terms with themselves when the film ends. Let us hope that as she drives off with Dixon on that road trip, she also finally finds her own much needed peace. That peace which everyone gets, is the best victory for this senseless world.

Movie Mayhem with God: Split

The opportunity to watch Split came as an early Christmas present when I won tickets for its surprise screening (contestants did not know what the movie was during entry). Warning of some spoilers here. This blog entry is less of a review and critique, but really more of a personal reflection, since the theme of this movie delves into a very personal area, which is mental health.

As the name of the movie suggests, the main antagonist of the movie is someone who literally disintegrates into many different personalities (dissociative personality disorder), in a bid to deal with the childhood trauma. Of course the movie heavily dramatises and exaggerates the horror of the mental condition. However, it does point towards the very real topic of the vulnerability versus strength of the human psyche.

A month ago, while I was trying to help a friend M deal with her recent bipolar mania outburst, my mother was worried for me, stating she did not want me to be affected by M. Now that 2016 is coming to its close and I am doing so introspective reflecting, I think it is time to take stock of some ideas and emotions.

Firstly, it seems that no matter anything, big or small, good or bad, event or person, it seems that it will definitely have an effect on us. Even no effect, is not really no effect in a strict sense, but a lack of instead. Then if every event, person plays out on us so inescapably, what are we do to with it, since there is no hiding.

This then brings us to the next point. My Spiritual Director Roselie always emphasized to me on differentiating between reacting and responding. I was not too clear about distinguishing between them initially, though now I have a better idea. Reacting indicates a vulnerability in the self, whereas responding is a showcase of one’s strength.

Both protagonist Casey and antagonist Kevin have been subject to childhood abuse. However for Casey, despite being trapped in whatever dire situation she is, steels herself in strength, such that eventually she is able to free herself from physical, psychological and emotional entrapments. For Kevin, his entanglement in the dismal conditions causes him to psychologically and emotionally disintegrate, in his bid to seek vindication for all the ill treatment he had suffered. The key between both is not the brokenness, but whether one falls apart due to the impact of the blows.

There was no slack in the blows dealt to me in 2016. I can no longer look at the Singa Lion simplistically ever again. However, I now enjoy the snide and snarky jokes I crack with my boyfriend about Singa’s trousers. Maybe this verbal stripping gives me just the comfort I need against what had happened. The watermelon and water pipe jokes he cracks while referencing to Lionel Shriver’s “We Need to Talk about Kevin”, are oral punches which he helps me fling out, directed at how some closest to me, who perceived me as a monster while on one hand conducting a welcoming pretense. These jibing sessions of ours are cushioned in the comfort of our private fellowship with one another, away from others to maintain a respect distance not to offend and antagonise anyone.

I pray hard when I examine these broken pieces which lie in front of me. The cracks are very visible, but thankfully I know to take care not to exert too much pressure on them lest they finally snap. Indeed now is not the time yet for these pieces. Meanwhile I turn over to look at the huge fissures of my mental breakdowns in 2006 and 2012, and find to my delight that their traces have paled into patterns which are able to bear the weight of any gentle stroking. Meanwhile I wish M all the best in dealing with her own factures. I hope that she understands too these strokes of beauty, and that there needs not be any shame behind them. May God bless her such that they also slowly fade and dim away.

Inside Out: Anger

We have long misunderstood anger, villainised this emotion, focusing on its outright appearance. Granted anger definitely is not a pleasant emotion, but very often we focus on this aspect, and fail to examine and analyse the motivation behind all the raised voices, the reddening huff and puff looks. As compared to other more subtle unpleasant emotions (e.g. pride, envy, greed), actually anger may not be as vicious, as what you see is definitely what you get, and when you examine the motivation behind them, one may actually have some sympathy for the cause, leading to another beautiful emotion, namely graciousness.

We need not look too far, we can see that even our Heavenly Father was quite an angry God, be it with His very own chosen people, or those who oppressed His chosen people (so many examples in the Old Testament). Also, many renowned Old Testament prophets were very angry people. The best example would be Moses, who got so angry with the Egyptian slave driver to the point he murdered him (I’ll get back to this example later). Oh yes even in the New Testament, one of the most famous apostles, Paul, was a firebrand, be it whether it was before or after his conversion. Just have a look at some of his fiery letters, he publicly told Peter off for discriminating against the Gentiles.

All anger stems from the reaction to a very simple premise. That something is not right, in fact it is horribly wrong, and we cannot stomach it. In fact, this anger at all the wrongs in life is amazing proof that we’re made in God’s image, that we have inherited God’s thirst for justice. However, though we have indeed gotten God’s desire for righting wrongs in this world, we have not gotten that same full wisdom of judgement, and that is where complications start arising.

Most of the time, when we suffer severe indigestion over the wrongs of life, we are suffering it in the identities of ourselves, with ourselves being THE best judge over right and wrong, not in the identities of disciples of God, who question what God would have wanted. This is a very big struggle of mine, considering I have an extremely high J streak, and I have to consciously jack up my P to counter this, to give others the chance to explain themselves.

And even if we have assessed correctly over whether it is a right or wrong situation, we may not necessarily be equipped with the wisdom to think of the best alternative course of action. Here I’ll bring in the example of Moses. Definitely the Egyptian slave driver was doing wrong with the bullying and such. However, Moses’ reaction of murdering that slave driver there and then is definitely not the best solution. The fact that he was not yet ready with wisdom and courage is further evidenced by his later reaction of running off when confronted with his act. I believe God let him stay in the outlands for forty years, not so much as a punishment, but more for him to spend time reflecting on his past brash actions, in turn training him up with tact in the future for leading the Israelites out.

At the expense of sounding like an Once Upon a Time drama character Regina fanatic, I’ll bring in the drama example of her again. For those who have followed the series since its inception, you will know the motivation behind Regina’s fuming anger with Snow White is not the vanity as depicted in the traditional fairytale or Julia Robert’s Mirror Mirror film version (we shan’t dwell into accuracy of depiction as it is not the aim of this blog entry, though for those who are interested in having a talk with me on this, please feel free to drop me a message J). Granted, her anger was definitely justified, considering that Snow White’s naïve action had resulted in the tragic death of her childhood sweetheart. However, the course of Regina’s subsequent actions, generally summed up in her famous one-liner “I’ll destroy your happiness even if it is the last thing I do”, was what made her branded as “evil” (thankfully she is steadily on the road to redemption from the way the drama is proceeding).  

I guess apart from the obvious question of asking ourselves why we get angry (this filters away a lot of the pride, greed, envy masquerading as anger), it is much more urgent to ask ourselves the “what next”. More often than not, after we ask ourselves this, we will sense the anger giving way to something else. In season 3 of OUAT, Tinkerbell questioned Regina’s wisdom in clinging onto that anger, trying to convince her that the act of letting the anger go would grant her happiness. Regina however was fearful that by relinquishing that anger, she would be left with nothing, which to her was weakness. Quite often we struggle to retain this control over our lives, taking it as a sign of power and strength. However, life was never ours to control, we only control ourselves. Moreover, as the Beatitudes passage in the gospel showed, this weakness be a blessing, a yearning for solace with God (in the OUAT drama’s example, I would think it is symbolized by Regina’s love for her stepson Henry). As my spiritual director mentioned earlier during my sessions with her, it is not “react” but “respond”.

I had watched the play Off Center on last Sunday afternoon, leaving with the piping emotions of a volanco awaiting explosion. I guess I was reminded of many hurtful memories with regard to my medical history of mental illness. All of a sudden, the buried anger of the past years towards everyone (family, friends, colleagues, adversaries) seemed to be like resurrected zombies rising from their graves, threatening to inflict World War Z. Thankfully out of desperation, I quickly prayed for the indication of something bigger in life and He let me see them just before I turned in for bed. 

If anger for justice is like the majestic sun beating down upon us as we toil daily in the fields, then gentle mercy is something else, just as beautiful, though in another unique method of its own. It is like the stars peering out of the cleared up night skies. During the gloom of the night, sometimes they are not visible, though they are just as constant as the sun, just much more tender in brightness. The astronomy theory is that stars are “burnt out” versions of the sun, and that the fate awaiting our sun is that similar to the stars. In the similar way, after experiencing the burning intense anger towards the wrongs inflicted by us in life, we ask ourselves “what next” and we quell ourselves into these specks of little brightness waiting patiently to let the ultimate source of light to do all that is necessary. That may be what God means by not letting the sun go down while we are angry. Only then do we notice the stars that accompany us during the night before the daybreak.

In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.

Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV)

Movie Mayhem with God Part 9: 大兵小将

Hihi, gonna torture some of my blog followers again. Personally feel more appropriate in writing the rest of this blog entry in Chinese, so please bear with me again... 最近在脸书上密切留意一位好友的近况，甚至蛮替她担忧。忽然突发灵感，为她特地写了这个 blog entry，希望她能慢慢“消化”。

这份blog entry想介绍的电影《大兵小将》，其实上映是在至少 18 个月前了，相信肯定在 DVD 商店购买得到，若没记错好像电视上可能都已经在去年圣诞或今年新春时播映了。个人对这部电影的钟爱其实在于它背后的哲理，剧情方面我则得承认有点薄弱，不够紧凑吸引人。故事内容非常简单，描述春秋时期，某即将灭亡小国的太子（王力宏所饰），带领了军队对抗仇敌，哪知途中惨遭另外第三支敌军袭击，对打时两军两败俱伤，太子被一名敌营小兵（成龙所饰）俘虏，企图将他押回国得奖赏。逃亡途中两人不停争吵，但渐渐竟然开始彼此惺惺相惜起来了。

剧中特别欣赏小兵的生活心态，他在成功擒获太子将军之后，常常会自言自语，筹措着该讨多少奖赏，来买多大的田地。戏中小兵常会最后对自己下结论：三亩田太小、不够养活全家；五亩田太大、一家人经营不来；所以四亩田刚好。羡慕其他人是人之常情，没什么好觉得过于罪恶愧疚的。但是当我们开始沉溺于羡慕，这会开始演变成嫉妒。羡慕则还好、嫉妒的狰狞可怕则是无法预测的。我自己就曾经可怕得我不想面对，现在这恶魔还时不时会出现，好费力才能镇压得住，在此非得感谢主赐予我薄力撑到现在。。。

在生活时，有时我们的嫉妒是自讨苦吃的，因为我们会主动地去拿自己的那四亩田，跟别人的五亩田相比；但又有时，在我们专心辛勤耕种时，会有些隔田的农夫们不停“提醒”我们他们那五亩田有多大，打扰我们。对于先前情况，没什么好说，两个字，活该！但后者呢？怎么办？在此想奉劝每人，更包括自己，问一下自己身为农夫的能力。若自己能力能够胜任更大的田地，自然迟早会得到更大的田地。安啦！至于那些“好心”的农夫，可能他们未必如自己所说得那么幸福，不然为何他们老是把自己田地的大小挂在嘴边。大家专心耕田吧，吃饱闲着啊！

我今天下午刚在脸书上感叹，羡慕与嫉妒只在一线一念之间，而一线一念却常常能决定一个凡人将身处天堂或地狱。我现在还在人间挣扎着，但欣慰的是看到天堂的轮廓竟然越来越清了。。。

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.
Job 5:2 (NIV)

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.
Proverbs 14:30 (NIV)

Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Galatians 5:26 (NIV)

Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.
James 3:15-16 (NIV)