Awestruck

“You must really count your blessings.”

Those were the words of my friend D before we parted ways while on our way home. After musing about what have passed in the two days, I remark to myself, “Actually not only count, but just believe in them.”

I think I’d lost the ability to believe in blessings sometime earlier in my life during that fateful April 2011. After God managed to save me from that incident, I was still a faithful believer in Christ, but somehow with regard to blessings, I had become a diehard cynic. Ironically, it did not manifest itself in the direct way of dismissing blessings as falsehood and lies. It stemmed more from the fundamental knowledge that blessings are transient. Perhaps the best person to quote from the Bible with regard to my mindset would be Job with his famous

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”

Job 1:21-22 (NIV)

I was not wrong in being aware of the transience of blessings. They are indeed impermanent and come and go. However, I had become so hung up on their brevity, that I was in a perpetual state of panic that I even as I have come to learnt to take care of myself better and better, while respecting other, my fear would get in the way regularly and disturb me from fully appreciating what I have been blessed with.

I think God had enough. Being pleased with my willingness to serve him was not enough. He wanted me to reclaim the joy I had lost that May five years ago. Being the master planner He is, He did not reveal the plans immediately. Instead he laid the foundations much earlier, with the situation at times looking unstable, erratic, and even dismal at times. And meanwhile I was wondering whether I was really incorrigible, a case doomed for failure.

During this past five years of unravelling, I had not recognized the gift at first. It really took a while to see it, here, there. Now my eyes are blinded by the majesty of it. Indeed His ways are really beyond any comprehension. It is at the revelation of their totality and completeness that you are left gaping in awe and wonder.

I am still awestruck in joy, and I pray to God to help me always hold this moment in my heart. Amen!

Movie Mayhem with God: Everest & The Martian

I’ve picked two recent movies seemingly different to each other in terms of their outcome. In the movie Everest based on the ill-fated 11 May 1996 hiking expedition, eight hikers perished, amongst them seasoned expedition leaders Rob Hall (Adventure Consultants) and Scott Fischer (Mountain Madness); meanwhile in the movie The Martian, astronaut Mark Watney manages to survive on Mars for seven months through perseverance and ingenuity, before finally being rescued.

At first glance these two movies seems polar opposites in relation to the theme of human survival. I recall a friend who had watched both, remarking to me how she enjoyed The Martian considerably more, as the movie Everest sort of left her feeling “heavy”. In a weird sense, having watched both movies in a short span of a mere few days between each other, I felt a consistent uniform theme binding both shows together, as if they were the flip side of each other.

Mid-way in the movie Everest, before the joint expedition team made their doomed hike up the summit, a local guide Anatoli Boukreev had already ominously predicted, “There is competition between every person on this mountain. The last word always belongs to the mountain.” This state of how finite we human beings are relative to something so huge, magnificent and menacing, Mount Everest as in the case of the first movie, is precisely the same rationale which makes the second movie’s protagonist’s eventual rescue so joyful. The fact that Mark Watney is able to subsist on a planet which is scientifically unfavourable to human survival for as long as he did, in time for this team mates to come back in time to rescue him. Of course there was the selflessness of his team mates, willing to delay their return to their families, even to the point of putting their own survival. Note that this element too mirrors the first movie, where protagonist Rob Hall’s act of sacrifice to accompany Doug Hansen on the ascent up South Summit again, despite having already started on his own descent down, was the very critical move which delayed his plans, resulting in him getting stranded on South Summit, ending in tragedy.

This omniscient, omnipotent presence in both movies, is indeed very akin to God Himself, which is what the underlying uniform theme. Yes, there were good selfless acts by protagonists in both movies, but ultimately it is up to this mightier being who decides the final outcome. And perhaps our own minute act of selflessness, may actually be a manifest of omniscience and omnipotence, in the very image of the Almighty One, so the outcome for God’s plans for us may not be as linear or static as we think it is.

I’ll end off with the quote from Mark Watney towards the end of the second movie, which happens to be a great contrast to the earlier quote from the movie Everest. “Every human being has a basic instinct, to help each other out. If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people coordinate a search. If an earthquake levels the city, people all over the world send emergency supplies. This instinct is found in every culture without exception.” Instead of looking at them as polar opposites, I would choose to look at them as elements which complete each other into a whole.

“There is competition between every person on this mountain. The last word always belongs to the mountain.”

Everest, Anatoli Boukreev

“Every human being has a basic instinct, to help each other out. If a hiker gets lost in the mountains, people coordinate a search. If an earthquake levels the city, people all over the world send emergency supplies. This instinct is found in every culture without exception.”

The Martian, Mark Watney

Movie Mayhem with God: Gone Girl

This article is actually long overdue. I had been long planning to write a piece after watching Gone Girl last year, but somehow other stuff came in and took precedence. Even then, I look upon it as being appropriate, as between this passage of a year, I have watched other shows, which helped greatly in formulating this piece.

Gone Girl is quite a terrifying show, not so much in the actual deed done by the protagonist Amy, but more of the depth of her psyche that sends chills down your spine, which is recognisable within each of us. As petrifying her deeds are, it is merely that she has taken that one decisive step to plot out and implement those thoughts that had been lurking within her. From her character, we actually see how close we are, just a step away from becoming that “Amazing Amy” of a monster.

Gone Girl is a love story and horror story combined. Actually the male protagonist Nick Dunne is not much better than his wife Amy, as when the plot unravels we know of his infidelity behind Amy’s back. However what redeems him, is that when approaching the end of the movie, he finally masters the meaning of love, through finally deciding to stay with Amy for the sake of his unborn child. At that moment, he discards all selfishness and laziness when he could easily just leave, to ensure that the poor child grows up in an environment with at least one proper parent to care for him or her. This is unlike Amy who by then has been so consumed with vengeance, she is oblivious to the fact that the child she is carrying is a life, and she only sees it as a tool for revenge. The scene where Nick Dunne pleads for his sister Margo’s psychological and emotional support, for his decision in staying on with Amy for the sake of the unborn child, was one which brought tears to my eyes and deeply touched me in a warped way.

So ironically I am not worried at all for Nick Dunne as the story closes, because with the love he has for his unborn child to support him through, and I am sure he will be ok. However as horrified as I am of Amy, the defining emotion I have towards her character is of sadness. She has held herself forever captive to her own psychological and emotional viciousness, and that is actually the worst punishment imaginable. And this in turn leads to the next topic I’ll touch on, the nature of romantic love relationships. There is the age old debate, of the more versus less; pro-ative versus reactive; male versus female, which can go till no end, and those are not what I’ll like to look into at least for today. There’s been constant protests by women of when they reject suitors and then get chided by fellow friends for being picky, about how there’s no chemistry/feeling, while the friends of the other camo would try to persuade about learning to appreciate and then love the potential suitors’ qualities.

Actually both sides have their validity in argument, though timing and context are the critical points of essence. An increasingly common reason quoted for the dissolution of marriages, is the dissipation of the romantic gush of emotions between the two parties. For the luckier ones, it merely becomes bland and the two parties part on fairly agreeable terms of sorts.  For the extremist ones, anger and resentment breed Gone Girl style, and the aftermath is one of emotional and psychological bloodshed. This has prompted me to wonder whether there is a concept of the maturity of romantic love relationships.

Yes, during the relationship’s infancy stages, feelings and emotions are critical, as these are factors which attract you to the other party in the first place. Even the realists who proudly profess that they make relationship decisions solely based on pragmatism actually have emotions at play, just that it is at a subconscious level and intricately related to material factors in a direct way (e.g. the financial prowess of the other party make actually be an indicator of his/her dependability?). Even then this begs the more critical question. What happens when those pleasant positive emotions wane in the long future? Classic literature is abound with plentiful examples of protagonists who have gone on quests to reclaim that long lost gush of emotions from other lovers (e.g. Anna Karenina, Madame Bovary). The massive harems that male leaders have in the course of history are also prime examples attesting to this (King Henry VIII of the Tudor line anyone?).  And sadly the many other real life cases of the very person in opposite seat in the café where we may not even notice.

Personally, I am indeed biased in the sense that I always encourage couples to do their utmost to try to sustain and work things out. However, I am aware and fully acknowledge the presence of human limitations in these “utmost” efforts.  Thus, ultimately it boils down not so much to a “letting go versus clinging on” debate, but more of a decision for what is in the best interests of both parties, while knowing each other’s ability to bear the consequences of whatever decision is eventually made. As Jesus Christ already stated in his second direct commandment, this is what it means to love the other party as yourself, applicable in the romantic context.

P.S. For those who are curious to the other popular culture cases which inspired me to reflect and write this piece, I’ll list them down, though they are not quoted or elaborated above.

On Call 36 hours - Particularly the couple of 张一健 and 范子妤, though the developments of Benjamin and 美雪; Lokman and 芊儿; 洋葱and 车车, Moon and David, have all prompted me to do pondering at some stages

Swingtown – Susan and Bruce; Janet and Roger; Trina and Tom, and surprisingly even the romance of Susan’s two children

Ode to my first superhero

I had not been actively thinking of grandmother recently. I mean she is always there subconsciously, just that I did not proactively seek to think about her. I took it as a sign of strength, that I am no longer pining after her, craving for her to be around as a beacon of strength, a source of wisdom, et al. And I guess I am partially right in this sense.

So when my father actually told me to visit her urn at the columbarium to do some reflecting since I had to run an errand nearby that area, I definitely did not take it positively. In fact I was quite offended, thinking to myself, all this talk you and mum have non-stop about hoping me to become independent and stand my own two feet, and now all of a sudden there is this huge about-turn, and I’ve become some fickle ingrate?! I’m unsure about exactly where and how I’ve matured over the years, but one definite thing is that night I indeed had the wisdom to hold my tongue from lashing out anything, while still having the courage to visibly display my displeasure, so a potential family disaster was avoided.

Fast forward through the past 10 days. It has been seemingly uneventful though yet peppered with undercurrents abound, be it of my own emotions and thoughts, or those triggered by events and conversations with others around me. Frankly I was not feeling good at all, and in fact I noticed the risk of it worsening and did not know how to combat it. I had even started questioning some very basic stuff that I had believed in. Then today I stumbled upon “Fight Song” by Rachel Platten, and my spirits kind of lifted. It reminded me of what really mattered to me in life. It was not so much of what happens eventually in life, but more of be it whatever happens eventually, did I still hold onto what I had believed right in the beginning.

And this is the most basic superhero lesson I had learnt from my grandmother. She was never perfect, and no saint. She was as obnoxious, dictatorial, rude, and downright selfish as you could get. However for the important beautiful stuff she believed, she clung on to it till her very last breath. That what she had been doing was for the good of everyone. Not that there was no errors, no misjudgement, no biasedness, no prejudice.  However she never doubted her intention. It was with this belief that she entrusted my family and me to the Lord before she departed.

My father has recently highly recommend the book “Anti-fragility” by famous sociologist Nassim Taleb. Despite not havingstarted on it yet, I may already have some slight inkling of its theme. Being strong does not equate being hard. Being hard is being stubborn, being unwilling to grow and better yourself. And my grandmother already had set a great example for me at bettering herself even till the very last moment of her life. She admitted to God that though she had the best intentions, she was not perfect and needed to leave the rest to the Perfect One instead.

I miss her. Every single moment of my life. However I no longer need or even want her back. I want her to enjoy herself wherever she is now. And I have faith I will join her somehow eventually. Meanwhile I have a lot of important and beautiful stuff to do. People have observed that I have this tendency to want to win, and they are not wrong. However, the opponent has changed over the years. The adversaries had been others previously, now my current foe is myself, my flaws that I need to continually refine, my doubts which conspire to deflect me off my original path.

Along the way, I will blunder, I will misjudge, I will be unfair, I will still cry, I will still blow my top. However I will also learn to love and respect others, I will learn to identify opportunities and moments, I will learn how to verify and apply the appropriate method to use depending on what situations arises for whatever areas of my life. I will grow and at the end of the journey I will still believe. I’ll end off adjusting some parts of the song, while also quoting a relevant bible verse.

This is my fight song, do well my life song, don’t even need to prove I’m alright song. My power is already on, I am strong. I don’t really care if nobody else believes, because I have still got a lot of fight left in me.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

2 Timothy 4:7-8 (NIV)

Mighty Morphing Happy Ending

Today’s piece is a kind of assorted rambling, no grand theme behind it per se. If I were to really classify it, it’d be an apology to a friend of mine. I’d known that friend very early on in my university years, though we were more of the “hi, how are you doing” polite talk kind then. In fact it was not till some random chance during 2011 when both she and I were very bored and had a random chat on current affairs (the Singapore General Elections and Presidential Elections had been looming then) through Facebook. And from there on it was as if some spark ignited of sorts and we were chatting with each other fast and furious. It is indeed timely that with the Singapore elections coming again, that I scrutinise what has happened over these years.

Maybe it was because both of us were at a similar stage in life for many common areas, thus we were able to relate to each other’s frustration easily. I myself then was struggling to cope with how my close childhood friends had moved on rapidly in life, and I felt very dejected and left behind. Also there was the pride issue. Which leads me to the next thing that’s occurred to me recently.

I am proudly now a Once Upon a Time drama fan. Think anyone who has been following this would have seen how apparent it is. And one very common theme that comes up continuously in the show would be the concept of “happy ending”. There would be discussion about who deserves it (the age old good versus evil debate, through examining the “heroes” and “villains” which is not a static identity in the show, reflecting the complexity of human beings), and what a "happy ending" is it exactly (e.g. squandering or contaminating one’s happy ending out of greed or fear versus making the most out of a seemingly terrible situation by changing one’s viewpoint and focusing on the “big joys” instead). I won’t go into exact details, but yes this show has influenced me greatly in these recent months, to do reflecting on my past 5-6 years.

That friend and I had bonded very much till a point in time when my relationship towards her took a drastic U-turn. I could not figure it out then. Everything she said and brought up irked me. I practically could not bear the thought of seeing or listening to her, let alone even reply her messages. However I continued to put up my pretense, till a point in time between 2014 and 2015, and I severed all contact with her as a New Year’s resolution.

Now that almost half of 2015 is over, I finally have the courage to face my own villain and admit the stuff for myself at least. I was jealous and prideful, that it seemed as if she was approaching her “happy ending” soon, whereas I was still wandering out there lost in the woods. Of course this is a highly simplified summary of things that had gone between us, and I trust that she has done her own reflecting on her thoughts and emotions with regard to our dynamics and past. However, I’ll just focus solely on "what I had done and what I had failed to do", as stated during Catholic mass which I attend (yes, in fact she was the very one who convinced me to eventually convert over to the Catholic faith, which I am eternally grateful). I simply could not bear my own hypocrisy anymore, and neither could I bear the thought of continuously witnessing her reaching her happy ending soon.

I remember during one of our coffee chats around in the Bishan café areas, she had actually said “I believe God XXX us for a reason.” (I’ll keep the XXX confidential out of respect to her and myself). When I had heard hear say that then, I was actually hopping mad furious. The thought running through my mind then was, fine she had had her happy ending figured out and was progressing steadily towards it so be it, but how dare she play prophet, and define my happy ending too!  Now as I re-examine my emotions then, yes it is reasonable to appeal to others not to define our lives. However it was mostly pride and jealousy that was fueling the intense fury.

With my recent dabbling in OUAT related activities (role-playing on Facebook with fellow fans), it has led me to hold a mirror up to myself and have a good look at my past, present and future, be it of situations, experience, emotions, etc. As one older wise fellow rp-er mentioned in one of our OOC chats (OOC meaning “out of character”, like a backstage area of sorts where we are back to our real life selves and befriend and get to know each other), what we think we want in life constantly morphs. She had never envisioned what brought her happiness now, as what she had desired back when she was much younger.

In Season 1's very beginning, the Evil Queen (Regina) in the show had threatened Snow White and her husband (the Charmings family) that she’d destroy their happiness if it was the last thing that she does in her life. As of where the show last concluded in Season 4, Regina and the Charmings family have eventually bonded into a semi-family cum friends kind of support network, though still full of sarcastic jibes and stuff. In fact during one very trying catastrophe where Regina faces a very tough choice whether to revert to her old ways (which she doesn’t), she calmly and proudly declares that for too long she had been standing in the way of her own happiness, and her happy ending was to “feel at home with the world”, with the part of her life under major crisis being merely a factor of that happy ending and not the entire thing.

I still do not intend to look up that friend, coward as I am, not knowing whether I have the capacity to handle the pride and jealousy demons again, though I apologise for what I had done and what I have failed to do, wishing her all the best in her journey towards her happy ending, that part of my ending remaining as it is for now. However, I’d look at some components of my “happy ending”. In the past, watching movies, concerts and theater performances unaccompanied would have seemed incomprehensible to me. Now doing this occurs without much thought, and in fact I have to mentally check that some of my friends may also be interested in those performances, alert them to it, instead of just booking ahead without verifying. I dreaded running when I was in primary school and the annual 2.4km run for the Physical Fitness Test was sheer agony. Now I have at least 4 runs, lengths varying between 5 to 10km, lined up for the rest of 2015. I shunned spicy food when I was young, but curry chicken is a staple order of mine whenever I pack my dinner at the mixed vegetable stalls now. I have loved reading since young and still do. However when in my younger days I had looked upon classics like Macbeth, Jane Eyre and Dream of Red Mansions as pieces of dreary writing, now I’ve come to appreciate the complex human themes behind them. Reading the Bible and Greek and Norse legends was no different to me during childhood. Now the Bible is The Word of God.

Since this “happy ending” is so prone to change and continuously transforming, it has led me to the cliché notion about how it is the journey and not the destination that matters, that the “happy ending” is actually just about being given the opportunity to come to this world and journey through it. I really do not know. I’m still lost in the woods though I am starting to appreciate some scenery now. Amen!

Inside Out: Fear

Actually fear is not a sin. In fact we Christians have been called to fear our God many a times. However, there is a divide in fear, one zone being that of healthiness, the other into the realm of unhealthiness and there is where sin lurks to pounce on us. I’ll talk about healthy fear first.

In the zone of healthy fear, our trembling is actually steeped in humility, reverence and awe, of this bigger greater being out there, acknowledging that while we may have been endowed with freewill by Him, we must never ever forget how small we are in the big picture. We are also grounded in an unwavering steadfast faith and trust in Him, that He and us are aligned no matter what, despite our freewill. Then, what happens in the realm of unhealthy fear? In the realm of unhealthy fear, doubts creep in, like rats gnawing away at that faith and trust. When our faith and trust teeters on the end of vulnerability and fragility, we panic for whatever control that we can over others and perhaps more importantly ourselves, and then sin starts its attack on us.

Ok, please do not groan. Yes, it is OUAT example time again. The character that I’ve chosen to support my argument this time round, is Rumplestiltskin aka Mr Gold. I am personally highly sympathetic towards this character’s plight, as I find all the motivations behind whatever decisions he makes very logical and understandable, though of course disagreeing in retrospect due to my identity an audience member. First, his fear of following in his father’s footsteps of being a selfish and cowardly parent propels him to make the hasty decision of turning into the Dark One by preserving his life and not having to serve military duty for the Ogre wars. Next, he was too afraid of being unforgiven by his son Bae (Neal), that he eventually lost Bae to the portal accident. After this, he painstakingly manipulates so many members in various realms to pave the way for his reunion with Neal, but that too eventually goes tragically wrong. Following Neal’s death, his fear of losing his only other loved one Belle, drove him to hold onto his powers as the Dark One, as a kind of safety net to ensure her continued presence by him. This move backfired again when Belle finally realised the truth of his deception, could not bring herself to forgive him anymore, leaving him as of Season 4B. Still stubborn, he even goes into cahoots with the Queens of Darkness and the vindictive author, in a bid to forcibly thrust a happy ending upon himself, which ultimately leaves him to end up back at square one all over again, while dragging many other characters into next season’s mayhem.

Rumple’s predicament stems from the continuous cycle of fear of inability to behave befittingly as a father and a husband, leading him to always try to rely on other greater but darker forces to assist him in his needs. What he hopes for are very noble, but the insecurity of past failures be it of his father’s and his own, blinds him to his hidden potential for doing great things out of love for those he cares about. As we see in season two’s finale when he valiantly sacrificed his life in a bid to secure that of Bae and the rest of the town, he definitely possesses more than enough capability to accomplish great and noble deeds, once he totally isolates his actions from fear, thus ensuring the deeds are completely motivated by godly love.

As news has been announced that next season will begin its broadcast in September, I’m eagerly looking forward to Rumple’s realisation that his biggest enemy is himself, but so too is his biggest ally. I wish this character all the best in his journey towards redemption and love.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.

1 Corinthians 16:13-14 (NIV)

Inside Out: Envy

While I was writing the previous entry on anger, a theme that I had placed huge emphasis on our lack of ability in exacting perfect impartial judgement all the time. This theme is critical in affecting how we cope with the next three emotions I’ll examine in the subsequent three entries. I have nicknamed them the Tricky Siamese Triplets, namely envy, pride and greed. Here I’ll briefly explain why I have classified them together. These three highly negative emotions stem out of the same root, that of wanting out of comparison, be it with those who have want we desire (envy), those who have what we think we deserve (pride), and those who have what we think is more blessings than us (greed). And usually these three emotions are very difficult to differentiate and divorce from one another, behaving indeed like co-joined triplets of sorts, and they will often disguise themselves with the appearance of anger, instead of revealing their true form. Well, I will attempt to isolate and examine them in three different entries, starting with envy.

We may question, having a desire for the good in life, is by itself, no sin, afterall who does not wish to be blessed. Note that the desire in envy is defined as covetousness, which are inordinate or wrong desires. “Inordinate” as the word suggests literally, means that it is “out of the ordinary”, thus meaning the desires have gone out of control and thus would naturally be wrong. These desires will have officially mutated into obsessions.

Here I will bring in the most famous Biblical example of one whose downfall was envy (though I think the dosage of pride was very high too). King Saul was originally a darling, doing a good job ruling over Israel. Most people attributed his downfall to begin only after David appeared and gained momentum with David’s war conquests. However many do not realise it began way before when David was a factor, and this occurred during the battle of Gilgal. God had instructed him very clearly through the prophet Samuel, only to start the battle sacrifice against the Philistine army. However due to his pride and impatience, he did not wait till Samuel had arrived for instructions and went ahead instead.

To those who are bewildered over this act, thinking it is merely a small matter, it is not so far the deed itself that is the crux of the problem, but the motivation behind it. Samuel had then declared to Saul harshly, saying “The Lord has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him ruler of his people, because you have not kept the Lord’s command.” (1 Samuel 13:14, NIV). This was further evidenced in 1 Samuel 15 when he again blatantly disobeyed God’s specific orders with regards to the battle with the Amakelites. Saul’s pride and impatience were the glaring indicator that his heart was no longer after God’s, having broken the very first divine commandment of loving God with all heart, soul and mind. By the time David appeared, this was glaringly apparent, in that he chose to focus on the recognition that David was gaining in comparison to himself, instead of urgently addressing his own lack of devotion to God. This obsession with what David was bestowed in comparison to himself, ironically was the very thing which accelerated his eventual demise, losing all he ever had (Read book of 1 Samuel 16 onwards to get a better idea). This is in stark contrast to another less bleak Old Testament example of King Solomon, who squandered away his early favour with God during the middle of his reign, but thankfully had the wisdom to rein himself in and repent in time during his final days, thus not needing to painfully witness the downfall of his kingdom.

Alright, drama example of OUAT (again), please bear with me! Since the term is coined “green with envy”, this character of focus is Zelena, Wicked Witch of the West, sister of Regina. To be fair, she did suffer abandonment by her mother Cora, snubbing by mentor Rumple in favour of Regina instead, under-appreciation by the other three Witches of Oz the moment Dorothy arrives, etc. However, she fails to do herself any favours by soaking herself up in envy and resentment.  There is even a perverted sense that she actually relishes it, and this is what makes us audience go green inside out. Her current sole purpose in life is schadenfreude directed towards Regina. Even though Regina has continuously made it clear to her that most of what she had been blessed with (title of queen albeit the adjective of evil, fearful obedience of royal subjects, the glam of the jewels and outfits etc), are not as marked up to be as Zelena envisioned, she remains stubbornly unconvinced. In the latest episodes, she had even resorted to stooping to the classic underhanded soap opera tactic of deceitfully bedding Regina’s boyfriend Robin Hood to get pregnant (For people not acquainted with OUAT, this is a fantasy drama and not a conventional family drama, so it is not the typical “making the guy drunk then go to bed”, though the outcome is still just as torturous for hardcore Outlaw Queen shippers like me).

When we are caught up in envy trap, focusing fixatedly on “the grass is always greener on the other side”, we rarely stop to ask ourselves: Firstly with regard to ourselves, yes even if the grass is indeed greener on the other side, is the desire of our side really that of grassfield? Sometimes we may find we may want a beach, a rainforest, a mountain or  a canyon instead, and do not desire that exact grassfield. This is quite obvious in the OUAT drama in that Zelena actually has no feelings whatsoever for Robin and neither does she really want what Regina has in the exact sense. She just cannot bear the thought of “losing” in her standing in comparison to Regina, such that her motto is “Wicked always wins”. She has remained oblivious till now that her motivation behind Regina’s continued misery is a longing for reconciliation with those she feel have let her down, e.g. Cora and Rumple, which in its purest form is reasonable.

Next, even if the answer to the first question is a definite yes, we need to acknowledge the toil and effort put into the fruition of that grassfield, which their architects rarely bring to anyone’s attention. No doubt due to differing abilities, tilling that grassfield may prove a piece of cake to you, but you would also likely then rapidly lose appreciation for the beauty of it. There is some speculation among OUAT followers that the baby move will rehab Zelena. Initially I had felt the idea to be preposterous due to my own biasedness against her, but in retrospect there may indeed be some warped wisdom behind the scriptwriters’ decision. Motherhood may actually let Zelena experience firsthand the volatile dynamics that had existed her mother Cora and her sister Regina, shifting her axis from solely self, and assisting her in relating to all other parties in the future, especially coming to terms that Cora and Regina’s lives were as much of a piece of cake as she thought.

In the recent years, I have gotten this inkling that possession does not directly equate to appreciation more and more, but is more akin to fruition. Think of the flowers in other people’s fields growing so beautifully. When we get so fixated to possess the beauty of that bloom and we pluck it off, we actually kill it as it is no longer in the vine. Meanwhile, those seeds which we have been assigned in life, have sowed in our field and toiled over so much weeding and watering laboriously, may seem so cruelly barren at the moment. However it is because we have experienced this hardship, once the first sprout emerges from the soil, our rejoicing will know no bounds. Now that is green beauty!

Resentment kills a fool, and envy slays the simple.

Job 5:2 (NIV)

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

Proverbs 14:30 (NIV)