Movie Mayhem with God Part 2: The Black Swan

Another movie showing God's wisdom and truth like 告白, and sadly also a cautionary one.

The protaganist of The Black Swan is a ballerina (Natalie Portman's character) obssessed with attaining perfection for both the roles of the White Swan and the Black Swan in the Swan Lake dance.

Her diligence for striving for perfection in mastering both roles eventually drives her into paranoia (her view on a fellow ballerina who seems perfect for the black swan role mutates from sheer petty rivalry into envy and hatred). This then consumes the orginally "innocent White Swan" of her. However in the desperate self-effort to reconcile both sides of her, she goes into self mutilation, homosexual fantascies. However as the self-effort at reconcilation backfires, driving her opposite sides further apart, she finally "snaps and ends up killing herself".

A bit scared after watching the movie. This feeling I had after watching it was of fear and horror, as opposed to heavy-ladenness when watching 告白. Maybe it was because I had watched the movie when I was in the full eye of the storm turmoil with my ex-boss and ex-supervisor at my previous company then.

Part of my mental pysche was veering into Black Swan mode full speed ahead. Nasty, evil and even downright malicious thoughts against my supervisor festered continuously in my mind due to the immense stress I was under. This vicious cycle took a heavy emotional and spiritual toil on me then. Thankfully God stepped in the nick of time with an act of what seems like a disaster to me then, but was in effect a miracle.

That has been put behind, though not forgotten. The cautionary tale of this movie is more of when we rely on self effort in defining and striving for what we think is right versus wrong, we unknowingly get sucked into the confusion where eventually our faith in God dies, and we too die.

Can anyone teach knowledge to God, since even He judges the highest?
Job 21:22

The unbearable weight of not forgiving

For all who are struggling with the issue of why forgiveness is absolutely necessary, I highly recommend "Confessions" . I won't mention any specific spoilers to the show as I hope you all will watch it but I will still give a brief description of the movie's theme.

Due to the main character's motive, a horrifyingly wilful and selfish action of his sparks off a series of chain reactions with the other characters involved. However due to the inability of any of the characters involved in the movie to forgive one another, everyone ends up in "living hell" The concluding part of the movie depicts the main character's visualisation of what hell for him is and it is indeed his "press of the button" that triggered it. (Watch the movie to fully understand what I mean as it can be taken both literally and metaphorically.) I was very impacted after the movie due to its dark theme and felt quite heavy as I walked out of the cinema. It is a cautionary tale to me on how revenge can come full circle back to us when we fail to forgive. When we forgive others, we not just make it better for them, we actually make it better for ourselves. Amen.

Do not take revenge, but leave room for God's wrath. For it is written: "It is mine to avenge, I will repay" says the Lord.
Romans 12:19

Do not say "I will pay you back for this wrong" Wait for the Lord, and he will avenge you.
Proverbs 20:22

For if you forgive other people who sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15

RE: Lost & Found

Have you ever thought you lost something very precious given to you by Him, but in the midst of trying to survive busyness/turmoil, thought it was gone forever?

This morning I went out doing some volunteering service with a close friend cum mentor of mine. While on the way back from lunch, there was a slight drizzle and in our haste to get back, I offered my umbrella for the both of us as she doesn't have the habit of bringing one out.
Upon reaching home, I just absentmindedly sunned my umbrella, kept my bag and went on with other business. Upon packing my stuff for tomorrow did I realise I still have the umbrella but I couldn't find the cover. To keep this incident short, I was basically Oscar the Grouch for the next 15 minutes.

Some people may just wonder, aiyo just a cover that goes with the umbrella, big deal. Even though this umbrella does have some puny sentimental value to me (I bought it on a girls' holiday with some close khakis to Taiwan last June), the very logical side of me more than agrees with this. However I think I need to bring in the context of what I've been through. Not wanting to bad-mouth anyone, I think those few of you who keep up with my blog know that for this past week, it was kind of a mini-Japan disaster for my career. To summarise it in as objective tone as possible, everyone was responsible for it happening, it just needed a quake to iginte. Anyway, using the symbolism of what I used in the previous posting, I'm now on a new piece of dry land. Completely different terrain altogether, of course freaked out. However, somehow part of me which I valued has changed, or at least I thought.

Thus when I couldn't find the cover, I was a bit 借题发挥. Frankly I thought though I had survived the disaster, part of some things that He had ingrained in me so much were now eroded to a point of no return. Luckily He managed to calm me down and I did manage to find the cover. Turns out that during the hurry to move the plastic bag containing to umbrella to my workplace bag, I had left the cover in the casual use bag.

Basically, He's telling me part of what I give you and you value, when you go through a rough patch and in your attempt to survive you think it is gone forever, no! I have actually kept it in a place safe and sound for you. Sometimes it may be your absentmindedness that makes you panic and think you lost it. If its meant to be part of the package, He will make sure I will never lose it. Amen!

2 Corinthian 4:16
Therefore do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

2 John 1:8
Watch out you do not lose what we have worked for, but that you may be rewarded fully.

Tsunami & Meltdown

First to the victims in Japan. God bless you. Secondly I ask for yours and God's permission to use what is happening now as an analogy for me. I know what is happening to me now is miniscule to yours. Precisely the reason I wish to obtain consent. May God bless you.

My earthquake had been germinating for a while since last August. I had thought I had mastered the skills of emerging unscathed since my first "natural disaster" 3 years ago. So foolish of me.

The epi-centre of my structure had been shifting slowly but surely. I had tried very hard to make sure my structure would weather any condition it may come. Things included going for courses in the support structure for base of earthquake resistant buildings, engaging in rehearsal drills.

The first major shaking occured in late last year I think. Hurriedly, I tried to get more flexible support bases for my structure.

The next major vibration came during January, this time a wave came crashing to my building. The first crack had emerged. I quickly took up wall patching classes and tried to get superb builders to assist. However, the more I took to mending, more cracks appeared. The builders were so caught up in assisting me, they neglected their own strcutures. A voice told me, quickly grab the wooden cross.

The major quake came on 5 March 2011. As waves came crashing down, I scrambled for dry land to the hill top with the wooden cross. I was partly immersed in water up till waist down but I still did not know what else to do. Since I had learnt to swim since young, I paddled as much as possible. However I had forgotten I had epilepsy and that if I panicked in water, I may have a seizure and that would be the end. Thus the water actually rose because I was making a sub-conscious effort to swim back to my structure. I could see the nuclear reactor energy source for my structure rumbling.

Finally on 14 March 2011, the nuclear reactor that had been supplying all the energy for my structure for the past 3 years exploded, destroying the structure I had pain-stakingly been building for the past 3 years. As I looked back and wanted to desperately swim back in agony, a voice told me, if you swim back, you will come into radiation and could die. Worse, you will definitely spread the radiation to the kind-hearted souls who will pick you up later in their helicopter. Now just cling onto that wooden cross and float. It is your personal Noah's ark. You will reach dry land eventually. Just wait for the dove you sent out returning with the twig, and then the rainbow.

Especially to the auntie I saw in HK last saturday. You are the first dove I sent out. I will wait for you to return with the twig. Thanks!
To the 60-year Japanese uncle who had learnt to just float as the waves washed you out, thank you for teaching me to just float and wait for rescue.
To the dear souls who are now looking out high and low for me, thanks! I will continue to float and wait.
Finally to the wooden cross, thanks for keeping me afloat.

Genesis 6-9:17

The Written Word

Today's post is more of a lament. There is no grudge, anger, hatred against anyone, just sadness.
For those few book lovers out there, I'm sure you are aware that yet another bookstore in Singapore has fallen. This time it is the giant Borders. For me, I've grown up with this passion for books. By that I do not just mean the actual contents of what is written. The way in which the ideas and concepts of the author are out into creative using the awesome tool of language never ceases to amaze me.

However, never neglect the painstaking effort put in by the publishers to design the cover of the book. As we know that in relationships, no matter how people vehemently deny, appearances play a major factor. Thus the aesthetics of a book serves this purpose too. A beautifully designed book may actually lead an avid book lover to explore new genres/authors they otherwise would have never encountered. This is especially essential for budding future book lovers.

Another similarly immense task is that of those who have to condense the book's essense into a riveting summary, be it brief glimpse of an enthralling plot while not revealing to many spoilers, to grab the potential reader's attention. This concept works similar to that of watching the trailers of up and coming blockbusters of the cinema's next season.

I am forever grateful to my parents, especially my father, who cultivated within me the furvour for books. Without his constant trips with me to the AMK and TP national libraries, I would never have been able to view books for the treasures they are.

To end off, the predecessing written word, the Bible, is also a book. Without it all books would have never come to be. Thus, the demise of books as they are, may actually forebode something to come... However, tonight I will just give thanks to God for the Written Word, and all its other descendants. I will always remember how many re-tries it took for me to finally finish reading the Written Word back to back.

I received my first copy of the Bible during primary 6 from my father. Then I had tried to read it, thinking it was no more than "like a mythology collection". I didn't get to the end of Exodus. With the coming years I always tried but never completed it. It was only in the year which I got baptised was I able to complete all of it, though I had amateur understanding. Now I do re-readings of some otherwise verses which I though I had fully comprehended and gain new insight. God's wisdom will always be revealed through the Written Word, which will in turn influence descendants to produce works of a similar kind to praise Him.

May the conductor (God's Written Word) guide all other instruments of the orchestra (books written by other authors, be it consciously or unconsciously influenced by his Word as we are all his children) to perform heavenly music to the audience's ears (the readers). Amen!

The "Slap"

Ah... There was a book I bought last year of this title but I haven't had the time to read it yet. Lent it to my sister though. She felt that though the concept of the book was not bad, the overall effect didn't really live up to her expectation.

Ok, here's it coming. Praise to God that for work and family wise everything has proceeded on smooth, albeit me coming down with a nasty cough on tuesday night. Pray to God I recover soon so no one else gets it.

However with regard to a certain matter, things really went sour. I won't give too much details as I do not want to offend her, but this incident basically resulted in us no longer being friends, not even aquantainces. Of course for me I hope it will never ever result in us being enemies which is why I am writing this now to pray for God to give me wisdom and tact to proceed on further if things get really nasty.

Just a very short reflection of the incident on my part:

I have previously been very very confused about the concept of God answering our prayers and the issue of needs vs. wants, as we all know that famous verse which I will quote later at the end of the blog. Through this incident, I give praise to Him that He has finally revealed it to me very very clearly. In this world, what is a need/want to us is subjective as everyone's value judgements are different, thus no human being is capable of being totally just in appropriate what is a need/want to someone else. Throughout this incident, I have been brash and made errors on my part, of which I have to bear consequences. However, He has guided me through in a damage-control way, by providing me with family and friends who have given me wise counsel and advice as well as healthy moral support. From this I have seen what are the wants He has desired and bestowed me and I really thank Him for them. May you continue to bless them.

Praise be to God. Amen!

"Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find"
Matthew 7:7, Luke 11:9

"For I know the plans I have for you.. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "

Jeremiah 29:11

Virtue in the phrase "By virtue"

I'm taking a hiatus off my original topic for another topic which has really bothered me for the past 2-3 months. I'll admit it, it was so bad that it really seriously threathened my faith in Him...

Working life has always been a vey touchy issue for me, it ranks so high that it usurps that of my worries over my family, not getting a boyfriend, etc... This is due to my personal trial 5-6 years ago when battling unemployment. Thankfully it was this unemployment drought that had brought me to Him and made me accept Him as personal Lord and Saviour. That's the upside.
However the downside is, even though I am in a fairly stable post in my current workplace, the insecurity lies low, like a zombie coming out to haunt me every now and then when something crops up.

In the previous 4-5 months, I had have a change of management in my department. Things didn't turn sour between my new supevsior and me immediately. However it sort of "germinated" slowly... There were (and still are) some issues that I have with some reforms/duty allocation she has implemented, as from my experiences learnt from my former supervisor (now a dear friend and mentor of mine), I know that these implementations will turn out to be contentious in our department, and even problematic.
However it didn't help that I wasn't able to make my POV known to my supervisor in a calm manner. Thus from then on my relationship with her has gotten very rocky and has even affected the dynamics of the whole department. (A bit of a clarification: ever since her entry, the entire dynamics of our department team has soured into a kind of clique forming, alignment-switching to and fro which really irks me).

I had spoken to many people in the workplace about it, the HR Manager, another close colleague in an unrelated department, my ex-supervisor now mentor, another close mentor. I was so frustrated with how (at least this was how I viewed) someone who openly espouses Christ-like values, does some things in very un-Christ-like manner. I was wondering where God had "gone on holiday to"...

Things sort of erupted over last friday into today. Last friday each member of the department was called in to have a 1to1 talk with her alone. For me, I preferred having everyone "thrash things out in the face of each other", so that we could resolve things once and for all... Seems to be naivete on my part as it didn't materialise... But the far worse thing happened today when we 3 department staff received a joint warning email from the Big Head...

Frankly, I was (and still am) very offended over some terms used in the email. To me, the situation depicted by our sup to the BH wasn't very accurate, as our BH hasn't heard our side of the story, and she immediately used very nasty terms to describe our work performance/attitude in the email. I felt (and still feel) that these are urgent essential issues that require immediate attention or else it will be to the detriment of the entire organisation.
When I read the email I was so upset that I had to find a corner to let out my frustration to Him. However thankfully my supervisor wasn't around today during the sending of the email or there might have been a very nasty confrontation between us two. Through His prompting, I immdiately got my 2 mentors and the close colleague to pray for spiritual and emotional strength, afterwhich I went through the email carefully, tactfully composing out in point form some of the areas I wish to address, before going in to speak to the HR Manager.
In case you're wondering, no, there wasn't any instantaneous quick fix but I at least put the argument out in a calm and convincing manner to someone of a certain amount of authority so that they will at least come to attention that what is amiss here does not lie totally with us 3 department staff. Anyway that's besides the point.

As my ex-supervisor now mentor was very concerned for me, we met up after work to have a heart-to-heart talk. After hearing me out, she basically summarised what she felt was the crux of the issue where it related to me:
1. Since I can proudly say I have fulfiled all my allocated work duties responsibly within my time frame, I have no need to feel frustration/burden over the negative assessment of our department by the current supervisor and the BH. It is simply not within my control.
2. The animosity between my supervisor and me is a case of my lack of respect and her lack of trust... Which is the chicken/egg is not the issue here. As my mentor put it simply "You can dislike her character/ways, etc, but respect the position she is in". This mirrors the phrase used by the HR Manager when I feedbacked my frustration when it was germinating in the initial stage. She had then put it very politely but bluntly that "though my views are valid, I must follow the orders, by virtue that she is my supervisor".

I think then I had been very upset and would snort whenever I thought of the term "by virtue".
It smacked of irony when I analysed that the implementations and the supervisor's way of carrying them out showed no "virtue" at all. Upon reflecting and praying to Him, I've come to see the phrase in God's light. The judging of my supervisor/her ways/character, I will leave to Him as I too know I myself am imperfect.

BUT....in the phrase of "by virtue", the virtue that is in the phrase is what God is wanting to germinate in me! Put simply, this is an opportunity that God has given me to further cultivate the fruit of the Spirit. Just in church service last Sunday, the Pastor mention one quote which hit me.
"When you ask God for something, God give you opportunities to get it. The rest is up to you. When you ask God for love, he gives you the chance to show love; when you pray to Him for patience, he challenges you with instances for excersing patience and so on".

What behaviour/ways are that of others do not matter. What matters is that I do not miss this golden opportunity of letting God's fruit grow better. Amen.

"Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free."
Romans 6:7-8