I'm taking a hiatus off my original topic for another topic which has really bothered me for the past 2-3 months. I'll admit it, it was so bad that it really seriously threathened my faith in Him...
Working life has always been a vey touchy issue for me, it ranks so high that it usurps that of my worries over my family, not getting a boyfriend, etc... This is due to my personal trial 5-6 years ago when battling unemployment. Thankfully it was this unemployment drought that had brought me to Him and made me accept Him as personal Lord and Saviour. That's the upside.
However the downside is, even though I am in a fairly stable post in my current workplace, the insecurity lies low, like a zombie coming out to haunt me every now and then when something crops up.
In the previous 4-5 months, I had have a change of management in my department. Things didn't turn sour between my new supevsior and me immediately. However it sort of "germinated" slowly... There were (and still are) some issues that I have with some reforms/duty allocation she has implemented, as from my experiences learnt from my former supervisor (now a dear friend and mentor of mine), I know that these implementations will turn out to be contentious in our department, and even problematic.
However it didn't help that I wasn't able to make my POV known to my supervisor in a calm manner. Thus from then on my relationship with her has gotten very rocky and has even affected the dynamics of the whole department. (A bit of a clarification: ever since her entry, the entire dynamics of our department team has soured into a kind of clique forming, alignment-switching to and fro which really irks me).
I had spoken to many people in the workplace about it, the HR Manager, another close colleague in an unrelated department, my ex-supervisor now mentor, another close mentor. I was so frustrated with how (at least this was how I viewed) someone who openly espouses Christ-like values, does some things in very un-Christ-like manner. I was wondering where God had "gone on holiday to"...
Things sort of erupted over last friday into today. Last friday each member of the department was called in to have a 1to1 talk with her alone. For me, I preferred having everyone "thrash things out in the face of each other", so that we could resolve things once and for all... Seems to be naivete on my part as it didn't materialise... But the far worse thing happened today when we 3 department staff received a joint warning email from the Big Head...
Frankly, I was (and still am) very offended over some terms used in the email. To me, the situation depicted by our sup to the BH wasn't very accurate, as our BH hasn't heard our side of the story, and she immediately used very nasty terms to describe our work performance/attitude in the email. I felt (and still feel) that these are urgent essential issues that require immediate attention or else it will be to the detriment of the entire organisation.
When I read the email I was so upset that I had to find a corner to let out my frustration to Him. However thankfully my supervisor wasn't around today during the sending of the email or there might have been a very nasty confrontation between us two. Through His prompting, I immdiately got my 2 mentors and the close colleague to pray for spiritual and emotional strength, afterwhich I went through the email carefully, tactfully composing out in point form some of the areas I wish to address, before going in to speak to the HR Manager.
In case you're wondering, no, there wasn't any instantaneous quick fix but I at least put the argument out in a calm and convincing manner to someone of a certain amount of authority so that they will at least come to attention that what is amiss here does not lie totally with us 3 department staff. Anyway that's besides the point.
As my ex-supervisor now mentor was very concerned for me, we met up after work to have a heart-to-heart talk. After hearing me out, she basically summarised what she felt was the crux of the issue where it related to me:
1. Since I can proudly say I have fulfiled all my allocated work duties responsibly within my time frame, I have no need to feel frustration/burden over the negative assessment of our department by the current supervisor and the BH. It is simply not within my control.
2. The animosity between my supervisor and me is a case of my lack of respect and her lack of trust... Which is the chicken/egg is not the issue here. As my mentor put it simply "You can dislike her character/ways, etc, but respect the position she is in". This mirrors the phrase used by the HR Manager when I feedbacked my frustration when it was germinating in the initial stage. She had then put it very politely but bluntly that "though my views are valid, I must follow the orders, by virtue that she is my supervisor".
I think then I had been very upset and would snort whenever I thought of the term "by virtue".
It smacked of irony when I analysed that the implementations and the supervisor's way of carrying them out showed no "virtue" at all. Upon reflecting and praying to Him, I've come to see the phrase in God's light. The judging of my supervisor/her ways/character, I will leave to Him as I too know I myself am imperfect.
BUT....in the phrase of "by virtue", the virtue that is in the phrase is what God is wanting to germinate in me! Put simply, this is an opportunity that God has given me to further cultivate the fruit of the Spirit. Just in church service last Sunday, the Pastor mention one quote which hit me.
"When you ask God for something, God give you opportunities to get it. The rest is up to you. When you ask God for love, he gives you the chance to show love; when you pray to Him for patience, he challenges you with instances for excersing patience and so on".
What behaviour/ways are that of others do not matter. What matters is that I do not miss this golden opportunity of letting God's fruit grow better. Amen.
"Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free."
Romans 6:7-8
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