Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflections. Show all posts

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Lite Talk with God

Finally an explanation behind what transpired leading to the finalised concept for this blog, I'll return to my first lover, books. In a much earlier blog entry in "Perfect Vision of God's Way" mourning Borders' demise, I already had the fuzzy impression that I'd start writing blog entries about how God's teachings are lurking in many literature reads, be them popular culture novel or classics, whatever authors from whatever genre or nationality. Surprisingly the Movie Mayhem series in that blog overtook this project and I only came to this baby of mine now, when I realised I had actually kick started it with all that bringing in of Dream of Red Mansions in this blog. Now into the real introduction.

I've finally realised I'm most point blank selfish in the way I treat books as a whole. I get severely offended when I see books misclassified or wrong shelved under the wrong category in the libraries and bookstores. Oh ya, don't get me started on dog-eared books and books being mutilated by mishandlement. I cannot recall when it started, but I'll painstakingly give any book "reconstructive surgery" within any means I can to restore it to its original beauty. However turns out this was only stage 1 of “走火入魔”.

At home, what irked me most was if anyone rearranged my book collection on my behalf without me knowing, even if out of goodwill. I definitely appreciate their kind and hard work to assist me, but I'd just be stubbornly angry and this led me into numerous brushes with my parents.

Last night during my visit to Serangoon Library, then I realised the full gravity of my obsessive love for books as a whole. I had a chronic habit of "book hoarding", which defined simply, would be to keep re-borrowing books that I'd completed reading and enjoyed greatly, sometimes just to "relive" snippets. Strictly there is no sin in this, as borrowing of books is on a first-come-first-serve basis, and since they are available on the shelves, I'm entitled to borrow them as any library member can. However, the next problem comes up, by hoarding them constantly, I reduce their availability of being picked up by any other potential readers, and this act is selfish. Others actually get deprived of the chance to enjoy what I've enjoyed. A better way of handling would have been to go down to any bookshop to get myself a copy.

This act of mine is highly similar to staple scenario in many swordfighting novels. I've had a really intense love for this genre of books, but I never realised what an important part of my life they are till this day. Thankfully reading of the Bible and other Christian books has also come into the picture, or maybe I wouldn't see any issue with book hoarding. In the pugilistic novels, there are always a group of pugilists vying for the title of the "ultimate swordman", thus they go into a "live or die" competition, which involves fighting, politicking, backstabbing over some super kungfu pugilistic manual they hoard to themselves in order to attain that status. Thankfully I know of no one who has a mindset even remotely akin of mine when it comes to hoarding of books or else... :p

Yes, I still absolutely love good reads but this selfish mindset may actually eat into other parts of my life and is unhealthy. As the conclusion of many wonderful swordfighting classics by Louis Cha go, eventually the main protagonist gets jaded with the meaninglessness of all this neck-to-neck cut-throat behaviour, and retreats to enjoy a simple life. For me I do not have to come down to such extreme behaviour and do a lifelong "reading fast". Just go buy my own private copy at Kinokuniya will do lah, got membership card mah. :p

Thursday, February 2, 2012

From angst with guts, to guts alone

In 《红楼梦》, when the female protagonist 林黛玉 is finally released from the bondage of her doomed love with 贾宝玉, sadly though she came free of her longing for him, she never lost her bitterness and angst even right till her final breath, after burning and destroying all memorabilia of their relationship. In contrast, this blog is my joyful celebration of release from prolonged self-imposed bondage to angst, that I had finaly let go of that detrimental "head-banging". Pardon me, but the rest of this entry will be in Chinese and will involve a heavy amount of plagiarism... :p 在此先对陈锦鸿先生 (HK TVB actor Mr Sunny Chan) 道歉,然后向他深表感激。我将在接下来“盗摘”许多您在第704期i周刊专访里的某些谈话片断,然后进行“加工”。读了您的访问之后,感触良多,真希望自己能像您一样,继续坚持着那么简单的心态。

已经迈入三十大关,很多人都惊讶我难得还能异常热血。对学习工作兴趣热血;对理念原则信仰热血;对家人朋友热血;对向往恋爱热血。这其实是因为,热爱生活。

这几年虽然工作、家庭、恋爱进展都不尽理想,自己没法接受,但环境、条件是这样,唯有想办法怎样去做好一点,在现有局限里改善自己。生活除了生存之外,还能让我发现自己,去改变自己。每个人都有缺点,我现在正积极去改善自己不够好的地方。

比如虽然工作里环境局势都是不好的,是不成理由的,但对我来说,我唯有想怎样让自己有逻辑性地继续尽做为职员的本分。有什么理由要让这里变成这种局面?但没办法,当事情发展到现阶段的时候,我唯有看我做不做得到。这样不停锻炼自己,让自己仍然觉得每天为工作岗位效劳是有意义的。

热情当然会被消磨的。我以前积极努力为了祖母,希望她看了开心,接着为了父母及妹妹们,但现在渐渐不是了。人,其实最后都还是为了自己,因为上帝除了叫我们敬爱他之外,也劝告我们得洁身自爱...

当然还介意身边的冷嘲热讽、有色眼光、歧视对待。没办法,所以唯有跟自己说要忍让谦卑。他们若要继续如此,我就让他们继续。那是他们的自由,由不得我。

在乎称赞、奖励、升职、加薪吗?当然在乎!我很想要,但若没给我,没办法。我得提醒自己,每一天都有可能是最后一天。如果有一件事发生,是令我的生命有意义、发亮的,我一定会做。

当然向往能好好谈一场恋爱,但看来我还未必能应付。既然这是我应付不来的事,上帝当然不会让我碰。其实,这是最正确的。如果我硬要逞强做我不能做的事,肯定是对自己有害的,更何况是他人。

现在最重要是让自己更加喜欢自己,更加知足。我已渐渐开始学会喜欢自己了,但必须保持住这种心态。在生活的每个角色里,我都会做出自己能力范围内的水准,我就会越来越喜欢自己。

现在会觉得自己,怪。短短一年前还在激烈控诉人生里的不公平,要替天行道,不然就臭骂上天。盗用陈锦鸿在《创世纪》里饰演的角色许文彪的经典 47 秒控诉:“我不是没试过,我试过安分守己,日博夜博,挣扎地紧握那一丁点的理念原则信仰自重,但身边那些人呀,他们懂得努力尽责懂得什么呀?他们只是付出少少的心血、时间,却用手段把生活、使命都给亵渎了,这样叫公平... 你去问人,问他们想要什么。答案很简单,只是想要好好生活!为什么他们要用一生的时间、精力去拚命?因为有奸人、贱人在耍他们呀!越奸越贱,越有得玩呀!”还好当时的我只停留在骂的阶段,但是那时的自己已经够可怕,并没有比我在批判的那些人好多少,甚至极有可能变成他们的一份子,背叛向上帝承诺要好好经营的自己...

现在竟然有一丁点释怀世界的不公平了。原来很多事,在有所谓之后,已经可以无所谓。反正还没死,上帝还要我做很多事,让我享受很多恩典呢。:p