The experience of watching the film “Silence” was one
that is beyond words. Viewing this tale of conflict between faith and doubt,
self and others, and how in extreme situations, their entire definitions are
perverted, was a very harrowing one. Discomfort is not even the remotely
related to the turmoil going through my mind. And the afterthoughts lingered
coming to two weeks before I could pen this.
I have never been a good believer, be it whether I was
with the Protestant church from 2006 till 2015, or my conversion to Catholicism
since 2016. Somehow I was never able to get that kind of ease of assurance of
God’s love for myself, and God’s providence for me for the future. While some
of my believer friends are gloriously proclaiming of the surety of their hearts
for God, I just did not have that confidence. What was I doubting?
I do not doubt the presence of God. Even before I
became a believer, my mindset was more skewed towards that of agnostics and
theism, than atheism. It is glaringly obvious to me at least. This world
despite of its flaws, is already so magnificent. How could randomness give rise
to all this?
However, on a more personal level with God, things are complicated. Till this day, I cannot be settled with how God’s providence
for everyone works, including myself. In recent times, I have undergone quite a
few experiences where God’s providence for me is really… warped is the best
word. It is this same tortured warpedness of the situation that torments Father
Ferreira and Father Rodrigues in the film. Everything straightforward about
their faith has been horribly bent beyond their recognition, and they cannot
make sense of the suffering (both of themselves and the others) going on.
In the light of such perturbations, what do we do? (Spoilers
ahead) Father Rodrigues prays fervently in desperation for answers, met with
long periods of silence, till finally he supposedly seems to receive an answer.
Was the voice from God, himself, or worse the devil? At the end of the film,
director Martin Scorsese seems to suggest a certain answer through the final
shot. However, in the original novel written by Shusaku Endo, there is no such
clear mention.
And maybe that is the entire point. The point of faith
first falls squarely on the premise of Man’s neediness for God, without which
we need not bother about faith at all. In the film, the character of Kichijiro
repeatedly does acts of betrayal and apostatising, while only to go beg and
pray for confession for absolution of his sins. His character even became comic
relief of sorts in this emotionally heavy laden film, emitting chuckles from
the audience whenever he started to beg for Father Rodrigues for yet another confession
session. While Kochijiro’s manner of conduct is one which we do not hold in
much regards, as compared to the courage of the other three Japanese martyrs
Ichizo and Mokichi, we must not ignore his character. An earlier article in
Christianity Today (http://bit.ly/2kGBQ0R)
helps explain it better. This faithlessness indicates a desperate neediness for
God, which is a form of faith, as there is absence of doubt.
When I first started out as a believer, I was in a
very wretched state, being unable to care for myself in any aspect. Father
Erbin from the diocese in Singapore has mentioned quite a few times on the
importance of the burning bush moment. And
maybe now that I am in new stage of test of faith, plagued with doubt, I should
revisit my former despicable self, and look for what she has to offer me,
afterall she was the one who had experienced that burning bush moment. As
Father Rodrigues slowly grew to appreciate the friendship and solidarity he had
with Kochijiro whom he had earlier detested, it is time to embrace desperation
again. Maybe then, will the silence be the sound of peace.
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