Mighty Morphing Happy Ending

Today’s piece is a kind of assorted rambling, no grand theme behind it per se. If I were to really classify it, it’d be an apology to a friend of mine. I’d known that friend very early on in my university years, though we were more of the “hi, how are you doing” polite talk kind then. In fact it was not till some random chance during 2011 when both she and I were very bored and had a random chat on current affairs (the Singapore General Elections and Presidential Elections had been looming then) through Facebook. And from there on it was as if some spark ignited of sorts and we were chatting with each other fast and furious. It is indeed timely that with the Singapore elections coming again, that I scrutinise what has happened over these years.

Maybe it was because both of us were at a similar stage in life for many common areas, thus we were able to relate to each other’s frustration easily. I myself then was struggling to cope with how my close childhood friends had moved on rapidly in life, and I felt very dejected and left behind. Also there was the pride issue. Which leads me to the next thing that’s occurred to me recently.

I am proudly now a Once Upon a Time drama fan. Think anyone who has been following this would have seen how apparent it is. And one very common theme that comes up continuously in the show would be the concept of “happy ending”. There would be discussion about who deserves it (the age old good versus evil debate, through examining the “heroes” and “villains” which is not a static identity in the show, reflecting the complexity of human beings), and what a "happy ending" is it exactly (e.g. squandering or contaminating one’s happy ending out of greed or fear versus making the most out of a seemingly terrible situation by changing one’s viewpoint and focusing on the “big joys” instead). I won’t go into exact details, but yes this show has influenced me greatly in these recent months, to do reflecting on my past 5-6 years.

That friend and I had bonded very much till a point in time when my relationship towards her took a drastic U-turn. I could not figure it out then. Everything she said and brought up irked me. I practically could not bear the thought of seeing or listening to her, let alone even reply her messages. However I continued to put up my pretense, till a point in time between 2014 and 2015, and I severed all contact with her as a New Year’s resolution.

Now that almost half of 2015 is over, I finally have the courage to face my own villain and admit the stuff for myself at least. I was jealous and prideful, that it seemed as if she was approaching her “happy ending” soon, whereas I was still wandering out there lost in the woods. Of course this is a highly simplified summary of things that had gone between us, and I trust that she has done her own reflecting on her thoughts and emotions with regard to our dynamics and past. However, I’ll just focus solely on "what I had done and what I had failed to do", as stated during Catholic mass which I attend (yes, in fact she was the very one who convinced me to eventually convert over to the Catholic faith, which I am eternally grateful). I simply could not bear my own hypocrisy anymore, and neither could I bear the thought of continuously witnessing her reaching her happy ending soon.

I remember during one of our coffee chats around in the Bishan café areas, she had actually said “I believe God XXX us for a reason.” (I’ll keep the XXX confidential out of respect to her and myself). When I had heard hear say that then, I was actually hopping mad furious. The thought running through my mind then was, fine she had had her happy ending figured out and was progressing steadily towards it so be it, but how dare she play prophet, and define my happy ending too!  Now as I re-examine my emotions then, yes it is reasonable to appeal to others not to define our lives. However it was mostly pride and jealousy that was fueling the intense fury.

With my recent dabbling in OUAT related activities (role-playing on Facebook with fellow fans), it has led me to hold a mirror up to myself and have a good look at my past, present and future, be it of situations, experience, emotions, etc. As one older wise fellow rp-er mentioned in one of our OOC chats (OOC meaning “out of character”, like a backstage area of sorts where we are back to our real life selves and befriend and get to know each other), what we think we want in life constantly morphs. She had never envisioned what brought her happiness now, as what she had desired back when she was much younger.

In Season 1's very beginning, the Evil Queen (Regina) in the show had threatened Snow White and her husband (the Charmings family) that she’d destroy their happiness if it was the last thing that she does in her life. As of where the show last concluded in Season 4, Regina and the Charmings family have eventually bonded into a semi-family cum friends kind of support network, though still full of sarcastic jibes and stuff. In fact during one very trying catastrophe where Regina faces a very tough choice whether to revert to her old ways (which she doesn’t), she calmly and proudly declares that for too long she had been standing in the way of her own happiness, and her happy ending was to “feel at home with the world”, with the part of her life under major crisis being merely a factor of that happy ending and not the entire thing.

I still do not intend to look up that friend, coward as I am, not knowing whether I have the capacity to handle the pride and jealousy demons again, though I apologise for what I had done and what I have failed to do, wishing her all the best in her journey towards her happy ending, that part of my ending remaining as it is for now. However, I’d look at some components of my “happy ending”. In the past, watching movies, concerts and theater performances unaccompanied would have seemed incomprehensible to me. Now doing this occurs without much thought, and in fact I have to mentally check that some of my friends may also be interested in those performances, alert them to it, instead of just booking ahead without verifying. I dreaded running when I was in primary school and the annual 2.4km run for the Physical Fitness Test was sheer agony. Now I have at least 4 runs, lengths varying between 5 to 10km, lined up for the rest of 2015. I shunned spicy food when I was young, but curry chicken is a staple order of mine whenever I pack my dinner at the mixed vegetable stalls now. I have loved reading since young and still do. However when in my younger days I had looked upon classics like Macbeth, Jane Eyre and Dream of Red Mansions as pieces of dreary writing, now I’ve come to appreciate the complex human themes behind them. Reading the Bible and Greek and Norse legends was no different to me during childhood. Now the Bible is The Word of God.

Since this “happy ending” is so prone to change and continuously transforming, it has led me to the cliché notion about how it is the journey and not the destination that matters, that the “happy ending” is actually just about being given the opportunity to come to this world and journey through it. I really do not know. I’m still lost in the woods though I am starting to appreciate some scenery now. Amen!

Inside Out: Fear

Actually fear is not a sin. In fact we Christians have been called to fear our God many a times. However, there is a divide in fear, one zone being that of healthiness, the other into the realm of unhealthiness and there is where sin lurks to pounce on us. I’ll talk about healthy fear first.

In the zone of healthy fear, our trembling is actually steeped in humility, reverence and awe, of this bigger greater being out there, acknowledging that while we may have been endowed with freewill by Him, we must never ever forget how small we are in the big picture. We are also grounded in an unwavering steadfast faith and trust in Him, that He and us are aligned no matter what, despite our freewill. Then, what happens in the realm of unhealthy fear? In the realm of unhealthy fear, doubts creep in, like rats gnawing away at that faith and trust. When our faith and trust teeters on the end of vulnerability and fragility, we panic for whatever control that we can over others and perhaps more importantly ourselves, and then sin starts its attack on us.

Ok, please do not groan. Yes, it is OUAT example time again. The character that I’ve chosen to support my argument this time round, is Rumplestiltskin aka Mr Gold. I am personally highly sympathetic towards this character’s plight, as I find all the motivations behind whatever decisions he makes very logical and understandable, though of course disagreeing in retrospect due to my identity an audience member. First, his fear of following in his father’s footsteps of being a selfish and cowardly parent propels him to make the hasty decision of turning into the Dark One by preserving his life and not having to serve military duty for the Ogre wars. Next, he was too afraid of being unforgiven by his son Bae (Neal), that he eventually lost Bae to the portal accident. After this, he painstakingly manipulates so many members in various realms to pave the way for his reunion with Neal, but that too eventually goes tragically wrong. Following Neal’s death, his fear of losing his only other loved one Belle, drove him to hold onto his powers as the Dark One, as a kind of safety net to ensure her continued presence by him. This move backfired again when Belle finally realised the truth of his deception, could not bring herself to forgive him anymore, leaving him as of Season 4B. Still stubborn, he even goes into cahoots with the Queens of Darkness and the vindictive author, in a bid to forcibly thrust a happy ending upon himself, which ultimately leaves him to end up back at square one all over again, while dragging many other characters into next season’s mayhem.

Rumple’s predicament stems from the continuous cycle of fear of inability to behave befittingly as a father and a husband, leading him to always try to rely on other greater but darker forces to assist him in his needs. What he hopes for are very noble, but the insecurity of past failures be it of his father’s and his own, blinds him to his hidden potential for doing great things out of love for those he cares about. As we see in season two’s finale when he valiantly sacrificed his life in a bid to secure that of Bae and the rest of the town, he definitely possesses more than enough capability to accomplish great and noble deeds, once he totally isolates his actions from fear, thus ensuring the deeds are completely motivated by godly love.

As news has been announced that next season will begin its broadcast in September, I’m eagerly looking forward to Rumple’s realisation that his biggest enemy is himself, but so too is his biggest ally. I wish this character all the best in his journey towards redemption and love.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.

1 Corinthians 16:13-14 (NIV)