Word Play 8: My face is like beancurd 我的面子如豆花

I’ve slackened with following up on my facial sessions. It’s been at least three months since I’ve gone for them, and with yesterday’s event, the blackheads are back with a vengeance... However the face I’ll look into today is the concept of 面子 or “face” as translated literally. 给面子 is quite an abstract Chinese concept, and no matter how I struggle, the closest translation I can come up with is “giving one due dignity and respect”, or to put it literally “give one due face.”

The problem with the concept of 给面子 is then, how much or what quantity of “face” is the other party due. We may feel that we have 给足面子, meaning given the other party sufficient due “face”, but the other party may still protest and insist that we 不给面子, meaning we do not give them the due “face” required.

This deliberation of how much face to give will never be resolved if we continue to point fingers at others. As in the concept of facial treatments, my specialist Susan often chides me for my lack of upkeep, resulting in the regular outbreaks on my nose especially. Despite being a seasoned specialist at this task, I definitely know the extra effort she takes in squeezing those irritating blackheads stuck in the pores. So in this case, I am also hugely responsible for what I look like. How much 面子 others give you also definitely correspond with the way in which you conduct yourself. I can go for facial regularly, but if I fail to do my side of maintainenance, there is still a limit of how much effect the facial specialist can beautify me.

I had been long inspired to write the entry by an action I go about often: giving some colleagues beancurd drinks as a treat. This habit has roots in my first long-term job 5 years ago. The motive behind this ahd simply been a private acknowledge of gratitude and thanks to these 师父s, 师姐s, ah-hias, ah-zes for their patience and guidance during my term under their tulage. In that former workplace, there were many "conditions" that I had to keep in mind when just doing this simple act. Now half a decade later and in another workplace, sad to say, these "conditions" remain present. However the difference lies in my audacity to pluck these "blackheads" away.

Last year when I just entered this current workplace and bought my first beancurd treat, most of those being treated had graciously enjoyed the dessert, though two senior staff had insisted on paying for their share, subtly implying the presence of these "blackhead and pimple conditions". Then I had been slightly disheartened but did not give this further thought.

Eight months into this workplace, I bought the same beancurd treat again last month. Those two seniors happened not to be present in office by chance, but there was a test of another sort. Present was a certain colleague whom I did not get along well with, and who had in fact been pivotal behind some of my current challenges in my workplace. Despite a nagging urge in me, I did what I wanted and did not give her any share of the beancurd dessert.

I know some people will deem my action as "work blasphemy", pointing out the folly behind this act. Granted, I understand the logic behind forgiveness, and as I've long maintained, I still seek reconciliation and forgivesness between the two of us. However, since she maintains her ground till this very day, there is a limited amount of 面子 she is due from me, as what she wants is nothing short of me to resign. In fact, if I had proceeded on to giving her a share, it would have got interpreted as a move with a hidden agenda, leading to further speculation and mayhem. On my end, I'd rather proceed on with consistency than to subcuumb to the rules of playing the "blackhead and pimple conditions", because only then am I at peace with myself.

When I went to look for a fellow colleague in another department for dinner later, and happened to run into another colleague present who had did two acts of major backstabbing to me last year, I did not acknowledge her presence. When leaving, my dinner partner was worried and questioned that "You really didn't bother to acknowledge her and 翻白眼 to her?" I wouldn't say I'm proud of what I did, but more of at peace with what I did. Considering the gravity of those two incidents last year, it had already taken me great effort to simply not ackowledge her presence. As my friend Genette had said last year when two very unreasonable colleagues had lambasted her, "There's only a limit to how much I can change within this period of time, I'm human." Forgivesness is a process, with this colleague I'm proceeding at a much slower rate, because this is the only amount of 面子 I can muster to give her as of the moment.

Thus, by treating those two particular colleagues the way I did, I'm already giving them as much 面子 they are due, with my limited supply. Beyond that would be sheer hypocrisy, because this would have no correlation to my initial motive behind treating others with beancurd!

Beancurd is a very smooth and tasty dessert. To keep our daily lives smooth and full of positive flavour, instead of screaming at others on how they destroy the smoothness and beauty of our fragile 面子, maybe we can take on the role of doing some self-maintenance. This way it makes the job of our fellow facial specialists much easier. Meanwhile I need to book an appointment with Susan soon. :)