I
had not been actively thinking of grandmother recently. I mean she is always
there subconsciously, just that I did not proactively seek to think about her.
I took it as a sign of strength, that I am no longer pining after her, craving
for her to be around as a beacon of strength, a source of wisdom, et al. And I
guess I am partially right in this sense.
So
when my father actually told me to visit her urn at the columbarium to do some
reflecting since I had to run an errand nearby that area, I definitely did not
take it positively. In fact I was quite offended, thinking to myself, all this
talk you and mum have non-stop about hoping me to become independent and stand
my own two feet, and now all of a sudden there is this huge about-turn, and I’ve
become some fickle ingrate?! I’m unsure about exactly where and how I’ve
matured over the years, but one definite thing is that night I indeed had the
wisdom to hold my tongue from lashing out anything, while still having the
courage to visibly display my displeasure, so a potential family disaster was
avoided.
Fast
forward through the past 10 days. It has been seemingly uneventful though yet
peppered with undercurrents abound, be it of my own emotions and thoughts, or
those triggered by events and conversations with others around me. Frankly I
was not feeling good at all, and in fact I noticed the risk of it worsening and
did not know how to combat it. I had even started questioning some very basic
stuff that I had believed in. Then today I stumbled upon “Fight Song” by Rachel
Platten, and my spirits kind of lifted. It reminded me of what really mattered
to me in life. It was not so much of what happens eventually in life, but more
of be it whatever happens eventually, did I still hold onto what I had believed
right in the beginning.
And
this is the most basic superhero lesson I had learnt from my grandmother. She
was never perfect, and no saint. She was as obnoxious, dictatorial, rude, and
downright selfish as you could get. However for the important beautiful stuff
she believed, she clung on to it till her very last breath. That what she had
been doing was for the good of everyone. Not that there was no errors, no
misjudgement, no biasedness, no prejudice. However she never doubted her intention. It
was with this belief that she entrusted my family and me to the Lord before she
departed.
My
father has recently highly recommend the book “Anti-fragility” by famous
sociologist Nassim Taleb. Despite not havingstarted on it yet, I may already
have some slight inkling of its theme. Being strong does not equate being hard.
Being hard is being stubborn, being unwilling to grow and better yourself. And
my grandmother already had set a great example for me at bettering herself even
till the very last moment of her life. She admitted to God that though she had
the best intentions, she was not perfect and needed to leave the rest to the
Perfect One instead.
I
miss her. Every single moment of my life. However I no longer need or even want
her back. I want her to enjoy herself wherever she is now. And I have faith I
will join her somehow eventually. Meanwhile I have a lot of important and
beautiful stuff to do. People have observed that I have this tendency to want
to win, and they are not wrong. However, the opponent has changed over the
years. The adversaries had been others previously, now my current foe is
myself, my flaws that I need to continually refine, my doubts which conspire to
deflect me off my original path.
Along
the way, I will blunder, I will misjudge, I will be unfair, I will still cry, I
will still blow my top. However I will also learn to love and respect others, I
will learn to identify opportunities and moments, I will learn how to verify and
apply the appropriate method to use depending on what situations arises for
whatever areas of my life. I will grow and at the end of the journey I will
still believe. I’ll end off adjusting some parts of the song, while also quoting
a relevant bible verse.
This is my fight song, do well my
life song, don’t even need to prove I’m alright song. My power is already on, I
am strong. I don’t really care if nobody else believes, because I have still got
a lot of fight left in me.
I have
fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have
kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the
crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and
not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
2 Timothy 4:7-8 (NIV)
